love for everyone

yesterday, our friend Harvey got married. Harvey is an incredibly fit, good-looking guy who turned 60 recently. He had been the most eligible bachelor in our circle for a long, long time. Three years ago, he met a smart, funny, athletic, elegant woman who captivated his heart. Her 21 year old son walked her down the aisle. Harvey was accompanied by his 92 year old mother, spry and so happy that her solo son was at last betrothed. It was a beautiful night, and a sweet reminder that there is love around for everyone.

leaps of faith

The self-help books warn that when your child takes one step forward, she often takes two steps back. Acceleration in one area is often paired with regression in another. So it seems to be with spiritual development. After days of feeling like I am one with all of creation, I have a moment of confrontation and lapse into an old pattern of behavior that sends me backwards on my path. And in that moment, all I have learned seems to evaporate. And the questions arise. Have I really progressed at all? Have I been pretending to be someone I'm not? What does it matter anyway? And my efforts to hold onto karma and emptiness seem feeble and useless. What now?

First, get still. Why is it hardest to meditate when it is most essential? The most important thing to do when you lose your balance is to find some stillness. Find the breath. Being thrown off balance is akin to losing firm ground. If you're wavering and wobbling, all of your energy is going downward -- digging in. So get grounded. It's impossible to elevate if you're not grounded.

Second, zone in on the feeling that prompted the reaction. Go through some of the flavors of emptiness. Consider: 1. This feeling is a changing thing. It will not last. 2. I can't control the fact that feelings arise; I can only control how I act because of them. 3. I had this feeling (as opposed to some other feeling I could have easily have had in relation to the same event), because I have provoked this feeling in the past. At some point, I planted the karmic seed that gave rise to this feeling. 4. There is more than one way to view this interaction. And how I feel about it depends on the label I give it. Changing the label can change the experience.

Third: Take care of other people. On Saturday, I brought Mariel in to Penn Station to take the train to Baltimore to visit a friend at Johns Hopkins for the weekend. When she went down the escalator to the train -- I had such a feeling of sadness. This was her first big trip alone, and seemed to foreshadow the fact that she is leaving for college in August. The feeling of loss and of change -- even though I know she's ready and it's time -- felt overwhelming. So I sat down. I wished her well on her journey -- may she be safe, may she be happy, may she be well. I thought about all the other parents who are experiencing their child leaving for college for the first time, and the fact that this feeling is shared by us all. I then looked around me and one by one, sent a prayer to every person bustling through the station: May you get to where you're going safely; may you be happy; may you be well. Just stopping to remember that everyone around you is striving to be happy and safe and is wishing for the happiness and safety of their loved ones is so reassuring.

Sometimes our faith gets shaken. But really, it is the only mode of transportation to happiness. I think that's why it's called "a leap of faith." Because when you fall off, you just have to leap back on board. There's a book I used to read to Mariel -- We're Going on a Bear Hunt, about a group of kids who go off looking for a bear and face all sorts of obstacles like mud, tall grass, a dark forest, etc., along the way. The book has a soothing repetition to it as the kids meet each obstacle -- "oh no! MUD! Sticky, gooey mud. We can't go over it. We can't go under it. We've got to go through it!" And that's how it is. We have to use every single event in our lives to find a way through. As my teacher Manorama says: It's not whether you hit the wall, it's how you climb over it. Going one step at a time, you can cross many mountains."

when the world was flat

For thousands of years, people were convinced that the world was flat. For thousands of years, some people were convinced that people of darker skin were inferior. And now it appears that for years, many in our government were convinced that torture was acceptable. It is important to remember that at any given time, we can be caught up in a terribly mistaken view of reality, even while believing that we are being objective and rational. And this view can cause terrible pain to others and to ourselves.

Recently, I had a strong belief about the right course for an organization I work with. This view brought me into conflict with people I care deeply about, and the conflict caused pain to them and to me. At its core, the conflict was because I was viewing the organization and the people involved as being on the "outside", i.e., a multitude of separate objects and events distinct from "me." When I looked at the situation without putting "it" outside of "me," i.e., from the perspective of what would bring the most happiness to all concerned, and not from the perspective of who was right about the course of action to take, my investment in my plan of action dissolved. It seemed far less important than a course of action that brought peace and harmony to our organization. Where there is unhappiness in your life, question the view it is based on. Remember, for centuries people thought the world was flat.

holding onto that one pure thought

Master Patanjali tells us that there are 5 paths that lead to enlightenment. One path leads to the next, and the way we progress is through meditation. It is only by cultivating the ability to focus the mind on a single object and stay there with analysis that we can quiet and re-direct the mind to understand how our world really works. Then, using the four infinite thoughts of love, compassion, joy and equanimity, we open our hearts and maintain our peace of mind. This is a gross simplification, however I state it to set up my experience this morning. While meditating, I focused my mind on a person with whom I have been having conflict. I saw him clearly. Although initially I thought about the difficulties we've been having, I then recalled all the things I love about him, and all the valuable things I have learned from knowing him. I reminded myself that he has no self existent, set in stone qualities. And my feelings have no self-existent, set in stone qualities. My feelings about him change. And what I sometimes label as difficult qualities could just as easily be labeled thorough, careful, or cautious. My feelings and the labels are coming from me. My experience is not coming at me -- it is coming from me. I then applied the four infinite thoughts toward him, and toward myself when I'm feeling distressed about him. And as I was doing this, the feelings and labels just dissolved. I saw him as an angel and holy teacher, emenating not from outside of me, but from me. And I realized that when I direct the four infinite thoughts to something that feels like it is coming from outside of me, I am ultimately directing them towards myself because my whole experience of the world is coming from me. And when I realized this, my heart burst open with love, like a flower blooming in fast forward. What a wonderful feeling. I have felt in love with everyone and everything all day. Now, if I can just hold on to this beautiful pure thought...

surprise teachings

Last week from 6-10 PM, I spent every night in an amazing class on Book One of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. The Yoga Sutras are divided into Four Books, or Chapters, and the first book, the Chapter on Meditation, contains the classical definition of Yoga, the ways our minds create obstacles, and the five stages of spiritual life. Teaching the course were the amazing Jessica Kung and Stephane Dryfus, of the Yoga Studies Institute. On the third night of class, Samy, my 7 year old, came for the first 2 hours because of a child-care snafu. She was very good, despite having to sit quietly for a 20 minute meditation and one hour and 40 minute teaching. She did her homework, played with her doll, and drew quietly. The next morning, we had our usual hectic routine of trying to find her shoes, packing her homework in her backpack, and running late as we hurried to get to school on time. In the mornings, Samy seems to take forever to get from point A to point B -- singing songs, creating dance moves, and doing everything except focusing on getting out of the door. Every morning is a tug of war, and that morning, I got so frustrated, and said something like, "I can't stand it -- every morning it's the same thing. You never know where your things are, and we're always late. I'm sick of this." Samy stopped, and looked at me, hand on her hip, hip jutted out, and said: "I don't think you listened to a thing those teachers were saying last night. Because if you did, you wouldn't yell at me because you'd realize that your feelings are coming from you, not from me." I was floored. She had been listening! And she was right. Yes, it's her responsibility to put her shoes in the right place. But my irritation, aggravation, frustration are coming from me. She does not cause them. How do I know this? Because not every single parent would react the same way (although I think I have good company!). Because my frustration flows in part from the belief that I am entitled to sit and read the morning paper instead of having to spend time getting Samy ready. Because I don't like having to get her ready. Because some parents might direct their children to lay things out the night before and I don't take the time to do that. Because some parents might just let their kids be late and not care. But the point is that the teaching was hammered home from my 7 year old! So be on the look out for teachings. You never know who is going to give them to you!

Sanskrit lessons

I haven't posted in over a week because I have been immersed in teacher trainings for over 10 days. The first was an amazing workshop on Sanskrit with the inspiring Manorama. Sanskrit is the language of yoga, and one of the original languages. It is at the root of most Indo-European language, and is said to be the manifested vibration of awareness. Its sounds are said to come from the energy channels in the body, and just repeating the sounds has a profound effect on consciousness and awareness. Because sound rides on the breath, the conscious use of sound is the conscious use of breath -- our life force. The alphabet is beautiful -- each of the 42 letters is like a work of art and is said to represent the 42 steps on the path to enlightenment. There are precise rules for how to write each letter -- the direction of the pen, the flow. There are precise rules for where each letter is placed in the mouth -- palatial, dental, labial, cerebral. There are precise rules for how consonants are combined with other consonants and vowels. Learning Sanskrit requires intense concentration and focus, and thus becomes a meditation in and of itself. And it can be daunting. Among the many things I took away from this workshop is the realization that every single thing we do can become an entry point to something greater. Even focusing on where the tongue is placed on the palate can be a portal that reveals something profound and self-changing. Whether we stick with something challenging and difficult can reveal great truths -- how do we engage the energy of our lives? What do we do when something is hard and we don't "get it" right away? Do we try to go through it, or go away from it? Yoga asks us to pay close attention to that which we often don't notice at all. How do we react when realizing there are an infinite number of things to learn? Do we shut down because it it overwhelming? Or are we energized with excitement to jump in? Just noticing where your mind goes when you confront something new or difficult can change your life.

love all as you love yourself

What Judaism meant to me growing up was contained in the Passover Seder. The sentences, read in unison around the table, summed up my understanding of what it meant to be Jewish:

"Today, wherever oppression remains, Jews taste its bitterness. We remember, it is we who were slaves, we who were strangers. And therefore, we remind ourselves, you shall not oppress another, for you know the feelings of the oppressed, having yourselves been slaves in the land of Egypt."

These words meant that I could not view myself as separate and apart from someone or a group of people who were suffering. It meant that I had to stop and help someone in need, just as I would have wanted someone to help my ancestors. It meant that I could never stand idly by. It was the bedrock of my upbringing, from the stories of my dad's experiences as a volunteer in the south in the 1960s doing legal work for voter registration drives, to taking in strays, to my mother's pioneering work in the 1970s and 80s to help low income children be diagnosed and receive assistance for dyslexia, the same way that middle and upper income children were.

At Passover, Jews are reminded of the story of our ancestors' flight to freedom and the hardships they endured. In Christianity, the parable of the Good Samaritan, often re-enacted this time of year, speaks to our prejudices and hard hearts toward suffering. It is good to be reminded of these stories. Face it -- who hasn't sometimes felt "better him than me," or "she got what she deserved," or "not in my backyard." We have all closed or averted our eyes from the unpleasant, thinking that we won't be touched. But the Passover and Good Samaritan stories teach us to love all people, not just those in our small circles or who are like us. We are so blessed; most of us have ample leisure time, relative prosperity, and safety to pursue our lives. Please make the most of this privileged life by feeling gratitude and working to relieve the suffering of others.

love your obstacles

I think Eve ate the apple because she was bored out of her mind. Living in a perfect world doesn't mean that there are never disagreements or obstacles. It means that we meet them with grace, compassion, patience and kindness. When things don't go our way, people disagree with us, or we can't get what we want, we often blame those things for our unhappiness or discontent. But the real cause is how we relate to these experiences. As Master Patanjali says in the Yoga Sutras, 2.3: "Ignorance, egoism, attachment, aversion, and clinging to bodily life" are the cause of our problems. What would life be without hurdles to jump over, personalities and differences of opinion to negotiate and tolerate, or setbacks to make us stronger? Dull. Meet your obstacles with an open heart and mind. Look to what they teach you. Be inspired and intrigued, and keep growing.

topics for meditation

The most frequent meditation question is "what do I think about while I'm sitting?" One of the most useful practices to start with (after finding a comfortable seat and committing to staying ABSOLUTELY STILL, observing the breath for a few minutes to bring your mind to the present, and thinking about someone who needs your help and deciding that you will meditate for him or her), is to focus on the sensations in your body. If you have an itch, or your foot is falling asleep, DON'T MOVE.! Instead of trying to make the sensation go away -- either by moving the body or trying not to focus on the sensation -- go to the sensation and into it. Try to find the precise place where you are feeling the sensation. Try to break the sensation down as if you are in a lab doing a dissection. Is it just one sensation, or is it made up of many nano-seconds of sensation that your mind adds up and then labels as "itch," or "asleep?" No-one ever died or had a limb amputated because it fell asleep or itched. So just sit with it and explore it. Chances are, once you really examine it, it will either go away, or seem very different to you than when you first felt and labeled it. If the urge to move or scratch is overwhelming, examine it -- don't succumb to it. Break the emotional feeling or thought down the same way you break down a sensation. Ask yourself, is that feeling or sensation one independently existing, monolithic, thing separate from how I perceive it? This is how it appears to the mind. Use your body, your thoughts and sensations, vehicles for your mind to determine whether this is really so.

Why? Because you will begin to see that things that appear to exist outside of and separate from you are really coming from you. And the way you perceive your world will begin to change.

the body is a losing proposition

Our bodies are not perfectible. Face it. No matter how much we exercise, moisturize, hydrate, and diet, eventually we will sag, wrinkle, and decay. I say this not to be morbid, but as a plain truth. The body is just a losing proposition. All it is ultimately useful for is as a vehicle. And the place to go with it is to enlightenment -- ultimate happiness -- nirvana -- heaven on earth -- whatever you want to call it. How? First - reinvest the sacred into your world. Treat EVERYTHING as sacred. Eat and exercise not for your vanity, but so that your body can support your spiritual development -- so that you can be a being who helps others. View every interaction, every experience, as a lesson to help you realize the true nature of reality. The person who cuts you off in traffic is teaching you patience and compassion. Losses are lessons in impermanence. Etc. Second, meditate EVERY DAY! 10 minutes a day is better than 30 minutes once in a while. Meditation is the only way you are going to be able to look at and dissect the obstacles you have that get in the way of your own happiness. And you need to figure this out right away, because you can't show people the way out of a burning building if you haven't found the exit. Third, examine your thoughts and actions all the time, every day. Stop gossiping and talking ill of people. As the Buddha said, to be aware of a single shortcoming in yourself is more useful than being aware of 1000 in someone else. Be scrupulously truthful and honest. Whenever you want something in your life - make sure someone else gets it first. If you don't want something in your life, help other people eliminate it from theirs.

This list is by no means comprehensive, but it's a start. Being tight bodied, wrinkle free, wealthy, successful are EMPTY of happiness in and of themselves. They are not guarantees of joy. Only your mind can bring that to you.

just sit already

There is no excuse for not meditating. Not one. That may seem harsh but it's the truth. I have at one time or another used and believed every single excuse that you can think of, and not one holds up. When I first started, I didn't even seek to meditate. My therapist's instructions were just to sit quietly in a chair alone in a room for 2 - 5 minutes. I couldn't do it. Not even for 60 seconds! There was laundry to do, a dishwasher to unload, an email to write. And I hated to be alone. Later, when I had developed the capacity to be still, with only myself ... alone ... I couldn't find the time for a regular practice. I was too tired, or too wired. The animals needed feeding or walking or the cat litter needed scooping. I had to work; I had to nap. I had to do anything but meditate.

Why is it so hard? For me, it was because sitting still and quietly meant I had to feel my life. And when I started, the feelings weren't always so good. I was in the middle of an ugly, contested divorce. I had stopped practicing law and was trying to make a new career as an artist. I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in my house or raise my baby; I felt like my whole identity and everything I had planned was thrown into the wind. I didn't want to be "in the moment." The "moment" sucked.

But sitting still, and feeling my life, though initially so painful, saved my life. Just sitting and being, slowing down and stopping, observing and letting go, helped me to see what had gotten me to the present moment, and helped me to be open to the future. Now, it is the most important part of my day. And that's the key. You have to make it your priority. Just like you don't go a day without brushing your teeth or eating a meal, you have to decide that this is an absolutely essential daily practice. And you have the time. I finally realized that if I had the time to keep up with American Idol (isn't Adam amazing?), Grey's Anatomy (do you think Izzie will die?) and the Office (is Michael really going to start his own paper company?), I had time to meditate. So if you have the time to read this blog, or check in on Facebook, you have time to meditate! And taking a quiet walk, or gardening, or exercising, doesn't count. Sorry. You have to sit quietly WITH ONLY YOURSELF. And if that's difficult or painful, spend the time examining your feelings of difficulty or pain. Just do it!

Try these guided meditations with Lama Marut and Kelly Morris.