My Anger Magnified a Billion Times Makes My World

Yoga Sutra II.35: AHIMSA PRATISTHAYAM TAT SAMNIDHAU VAIRA TYAGAH.
In the presence of one firmly established in non-violence, all hostilities cease.

There is so much violence in the world. The situation in Syria seems so hopeless. The news of the sergeant in Afghanistan who went on a rampage killing 16 people is tragic on so many levels. My heart goes out to families of the victims, but also to the parents of this soldier and his friends and other close family. They must be suffering so much. What must have been going on in the heart of this man, on his third tour in Afghanistan, to commit such a crime? It is very sad.

Why do I see a world with so much violence in it? The tradition that I follow teaches me that the violence I see in the world outside of me is caused by my thoughts, words and actions towards others. How can this be? I am a kind and peaceful person. I do good things. I try to take care of others.

But not always. Like anyone else, I get angry. I get irritated. I am sometimes thoughtless and careless about other people's feelings. In the past, I haven't always been honest, and I have hurt people who were close to me. There are many things I do each day -- talking on my cellphone while driving (much less than I used to but still...), leaving myself too little time to get places and driving aggressively, snapping at my husband or daughter -- that "do harm." And little seeds grow up to be big trees.

Like everyone else, I have a difficult/irritating person in my life. Right now, he is "popping up" in all his difficulties. He is someone who you have to walk on eggshells around, because he misinterprets the most benign things as slights. He is always feeling disappointed by people. Many other people who know him share my view that he is difficult and unreasonable, making it seem all the more to me that he is, in and of himself, difficult and irritating and that I am absolutely correct in my view of him.

In really thinking about him, I realize that he is a very unhappy person. He really has very few friends, and has isolated himself in the community. I would not want to live in his skin, feeling like all the world is against me. I still don't like his actions, and will respond to them as skillfully as I can. When I consider his suffering, I am no longer irritated by him or angry at him.

It is hard work to come to this view. But it is the work I must do, and that we all must do, to see an end to violence in our world. If I can constantly remind myself that everyone, at heart, wants to be happy, I can be angry less, and compassionate more. It's not easy, but it will be worth it.

Life Is Short But Its The Longest Thing You Do

Yesterday, I went to a funeral for a friend who died after a long fight with breast cancer. In the mid '90s, I taught a cardio-funk class at the YMCA (because I'm just so funky y'all), and Lydia was one of the regulars in a terrific bunch of women who came every week to learn routines to "Thriller," "Rhythm Nation," and "Proud Mary," to name a few. I had recently gone through a divorce and was tip-toeing into the dating world, and these ladies were a great source of support, wit and wisdom. When I first met my now husband, he came to take the class, they vetted him, pronouncing him "worthy." At about the same time, Lydia met her soon to be husband Thomas, and we vetted him too.

Lydia had a huge smile and a bubbly personality. She was one of those warm, loving people who embrace life with arms wide open. She was wildly in love with her husband, beyond proud of her daughter, and a cheerleader for her friends.

I lost touch with Lydia shortly after my younger daughter was born. For the past 11 years, our paths barely crossed; we both were caught up in our lives, and plans to get together didn't materialize. I am sad to say that I didn't appreciate how grave her illness was. When I bumped into her lovely daughter from time to time, I would always send my love, intend to call, and not follow through.

The beautiful memorial service today made me think a lot about why good people die young. When someone "bad" dies or suffers through a horrible illness, we don't really think about it. We have a sense that perhaps they deserved it. And when "bad" people prosper and thrive, we feel that the universe has made a terrible mistake. But when good people suffer and leave us too early, we sit up and take notice. The tragedy transforms us, wakes us up, makes us think twice about how much we take for granted. We always think we'll have the time to connect, to say the things we want to say, until we just don't. So, sadly, we keep needing these reminders about how precious and fragile life is. I am so sorry that I had to get this reminder from Lydia, and that I didn't make a point to stay in touch with her.

Life is the longest thing we do. So make yours amazing. Make it count. Share your love and goodness anytime and anyway you can.

I Can Do Something

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do. Helen Keller

Our family just returned from our fifth trip to Antigua, Guatemala. We first went in February 2010 with the amazing organization From Houses to Homes (FHTH) to build a house for a poor Mayan family up in the Guatemalan highlands. The trip inspired us so much that we have returned again and again, building a second house, "adopting" our families, becoming godparents to the son of one of the Guatemalan workers on our build crew and "adopting" his family, and creating a sister school program between our youngest daughter's school and a school sponsored by FHTH.

Like most kinds of volunteer work, these trips enrich us beyond anything we can possibly give. We come home with a real sense of how blessed our lives are. We have the time for things like yoga in a beautiful studio. We have disposable income for so many things beyond the bare necessities. We have running water at the twist of the wrist -- and hot water to boot -- and it's drinkable! Truly, we are leading magical lives. So why do most of us experience dissatisfaction and frustration with our lives on a daily basis? Take me for example. For the last few months, I have been feeling dissatisfied with my house because it doesn't have a powder room on the first floor. Yes, we have 3 full bathrooms, but sometimes, it's just so annoying to have to go up or down a flight of stairs to pee ... So I have spent a lot of time thinking about how and where we can possibly put a powder room on the first level ... This visit to Guatemala, where our families have no bathrooms at all, but simply holes in the ground surrounded by dried cornstalk "walls" with a door made out of a torn piece of fabric, was just what I needed to knock some sense into me.

This is what witnessing or experiencing suffering does - it knocks sense into us. Whether it's the plane suddenly dropping, or losing a loved one before his or her time, or experiencing a grave illness ourselves, or getting out of our normal lives and seeing how so many others live, we NEED these experiences to make us appreciate all that we have and shift our perspectives. This doesn't mean that we become complacent and give up our goals, but it means that we understand that achieving them will not bring us lasting happiness. The pleasure we get from them is not permanent. Let's face it, we'll just find something else to want. So we have to GIVE UP THE IDEA that the perfect body, a different job, the right partner, the newest iPhone, A POWDER ROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR, will bring us happiness.

So what will give us lasting happiness? Taking care of others. MAKING OTHERS HAPPY.

The poverty in Guatemala is overwhelming -- a 69% illiteracy rate, nearly two million indigenous families living in rickety cornstalk shacks lined with plastic garbage bags to keep out the elements, high infant mortality and short life spans. Obviously, I am not going to eliminate it with my efforts, but that doesn't mean that I should stop trying. Back to the quote up top from Helen Keller -- Just because I can't do everything, I won't stop trying to do what I can do. And the thing is, while I am doing something for others that really and meaningfully improves their lives, I am feeling better about my life. I am increasing my happiness by increasing my compassion for others. I am realizing my own blessings by trying to give to other people.

So here's my question -- what is the something that YOU can do? And how will it make you happier with what you have already? Let's inspire each other with all the good things we do in the world and how these acts have changed our lives and the lives of others.

Happiness is a Goat

Today we visited our family in San Antonio des Aguas Calientes. Getting there was an adventure, as neither we nor our driver had an address. Our family lives on a plot of land carved into the side of the mountains surrounding the village; they don't get mail, and there is no name to their "street," such as it is. But we drove into San Antonio with hope. As we circled the streets, we saw the bright blue house that we helped build shining from afar in the sun like a beacon. As we got as near to it as we could, we recognized the street that accesses the alleys leading up the mountain. There were two women who had just finished washing their clothes in the local well, and we asked them which alley led to Florinda and Blanca's house. In Spanish, they exclaimed - look! it is the family of Samantha! And so we found our way.

It was a joyous reunion, with many hugs and squeezes. We sat in the house that we built, the 9 member family on the bed and floor, and Mariel, Samy and I on plastic chairs reserved for special guests. We gave away clothing and books and toys, and then Blanca (the oldest sister) brought in a baby goat on a rope. With money we had given them on our last visit, they had bought cow and a goat which had just had a baby. So there is milk for everyone and the possibility of income if they sell the baby goat. There was much happiness.

They invited us to stay and make a meal together. It is not easy to sit in the little kitchen -- a separate cornstalk shack in which they make a fire. The smoke is unbearable. Blanca made tortillas, and she, her mom and Abuella had a good laugh watching Samy and me try to make tortillas. It's not as easy at you would think, to roll the dough into a ball and toss it from one hand to the other to flatten it out! Everyone in the family helped make the meal -- the men kept bringing more wood for the fire; the oldest son tended the flames; the younger girls picked limes from the family tree for the marinades; and the 13 year old watched the two little ones. We truly felt like part of the family.

They rolled out a straw mat for us to sit on, and we ate our meal on the floor in the blue house. Churasco, guacamole, tomato sauce, a cucumber salad, and of course, lots of tortillas! It was delicious, and they were very gracious about my foregoing the churasco -- more for everyone else. As we sat with them, I thought about how Mariel and Samy are having some interesting experiences of the world. They are seeing that happiness can be as simple as having a goat.

Find An Angel

Arrived safely in Guatemala after a long day of traveling. I am so proud of my two girls - waking up at 4:15 AM and navigating through changing planes in Miami, customs in Guatemala, baggage claim and the 45 minute ride to Antigua with no complaints. Especially Samy, who has been sick all week and still has a hacking cough -- she pulled her suitcase, kept up with Mariel and me, and was a real trooper. I wonder what people thought, looking us, each with an individual rolling suitcase and backpack, plus 4 huge suitcases. I kept feeling the need to explain that we were bringing things for the poor, lest people think we were "over packers." The girls feel asleep during the ride to Antigua. I have a sweet picture of them nestled together in the back seat of the van, their arms intertwined and their heads facing each other like a ying/yang symbol. (I will post it later.) They woke up as we hit the cobblestones of the Antigua streets, and we were all smiles at the sight of the brightly painted buildings and familiar streets of our home away from home.

We are staying in "Hotel Antigua," which I recommend to anyone coming to do service work here. It is beautiful and simple, yet feels so luxurious. Our room is in the annex, which has a lap pool. After arriving we had our own private swim as there doesn't appear to be anyone else staying in the annex -- at least for now.

At 5:30PM, we made our way through the cobbled streets of Antigua to the office of From Houses to Homes, "FHTH." Mariel and I took turns pulling the enormous suitcase that Liz Contreras donated to us, filled with some of the amazing donations you have given. Earlier, I had separated out all the donations into four groups -- for the FHTH workers and their families, our San Antonio des Aguas Calientes family, and our two Santa Maria de Jesus families. Shortly after we reached the office, the trucks with the workers arrived -- all the men we have come to know and love in our times here -- Hector, Tomas, Louis, Esa, Mickey, and the others whose names I don't really know, and of course, Edgar. It felt like a holiday as we opened the suitcase and the guys separated out the stuff. So thank you to everyone who sent clothing with us. It was very, very appreciated!

We went to dinner afterwards with Joe Collins, director of FHTH, and Edgar. Joe told us all about the new school FHTH is building in Santa Maria de Jesus (SMJ), and the other great work the organization is doing. It is very inspiring to see the life Joe has chosen to lead. He has left behind the life he knew in NJ, and lives in Guatemala now. His life is very simple -- all of his time is devoted to serving the poor here. He has some friends who he meets at the Parque Central on Saturday and Sunday mornings, but otherwise his life is devoted to serving as many people as he can through FHTH.

We had a very tearful moment when Edgar spoke of how hard he is working to help his family. Speaking to Mariel in Spanish, he told us how he used to make 25Q ($4) a 14-hour day farming in SMJ and how grateful he is for his job with FHTH; how grateful he is that we come back to Guatemala; that we agreed to be his son's godparents; that we send support and come to visit; that we have changed his life and the lives of his family. We were all very moved.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama says that there are two basic routes to happiness. One is through material comfort and material pleasure. This, however, is not a guaranteed route - there are many people who have all or more than they need and are not happy. Look at our country -- people live in comfort unimaginable to most of the world and yet have all sorts of emotional maladies and discontent. Another route is through mental comfort -- there are many people who have very little in the way of material possessions who are nevertheless content and joyful. And yet, if someone is so lacking in material comforts that they are hungry and sick, it will be hard to be content, no matter how peaceful the mind. The challenge is to find the balance; to know that material comforts alone will not bring happiness without mental comfort. And that is the lesson I keep learning in Guatemala. I see people around me with so little, and yet with love and joy in their hearts. So as much as Edgar was thanking us, I was thanking him, although he doesn't understand why.

I am grateful to have found angels who are giving me and my family the opportunity to feel like angels. I urge everyone to seek out those people -- people who give you the opportunity to help them and the opportunity to feel like you are making the world a better place. We may think we are here to help them, but really, they are here to help us.

Namaste

All That Exists is One

At the beginning of the class I taught this morning, I led the "Guru Chant." This is a chant I have sung many, many times over the last 5 years, and yet today I felt like I understood it for the first time. We have these experiences often. Things we do over and over again suddenly, and for some reason, take on a new meaning or become clear to us.

A guru is whoever or whatever brings us from darkness to light, from discontent to contentment. The Guru chant gives us different ways to acess whoever or whatever does this for us. We can visualize God, love, or the divine in different forms, because some work better for us or resonate differently at different times. (Even in the bible, God takes on many "personas." There is the angry God who floods the earth, or the parental God who leads his children out of Egypt, etc.) The Guru Chant begins with Brahma, the creator -- that which is beginningless and endless. It then acknowledges Vishnu, the preserver. (When I chant this, I think of my parents, who are always there for me, and whose presence makes me feel safe.) Guru Devo Maheshwarah is another name for Shiva, the destroyer. (I think of the difficult people and circumstances in my life that felt like they were tearing me down. In rising from and beyond them, I became stronger and more certain of my path.) Guru Sakshat Para-Brahma - is the teacher we can see (it might be a neighbor, colleague, or someone who inspires us) and the unseen teacher (the voice inside our heads). Tasmai Shri Gurave Namah: I bow down to all of my teachers who are all inside my heart.

As I chanted this today, I realized that they are all the same. They are all inside of me and each one of us. The love and wisdom that I receive from my teachers is something for which I reach out of myself. I think it is outside of me and that I receive it. This is my mind creating an illusion. The fact that I recognize it "out there," is because it is in my heart all along. It is like the breath: I inhale and exhale what I initially identify as "my breath," but it is part of a great ocean of breath. My inhale was a part of someone else's exhale. My exhale becomes someone else's exhale. There is no separate breath that is "mine." We are all giving to, and taking from, the same vast ocean of breath.

Shoveling snow yesterday, I thought that the snow I was moving might have once been rain in Guatemala, or fog somewhere else. My mind makes it look like a specific piece of precipitation that is sitting on my car, but it is part of the same body of water that exists and has existed always. There is one body of air. There is one body of water. There is one enormous sea of love that we feel inside and outside: we are all a part of it. The more we see breath or ourselves as separate, the more we look outside of ourselves for happiness, love and contentment, the more we miss it completely. We are joy. We are love. We are compassion. It is inside and outside and always.

All that exists is One. People only call this One by different names.~THE VEDAS.

God is love, and he that abideth in love abideth in God, and God abideth in him.~I JOHN iv. 16.

God is one whole; we are the parts.~EXPOSITION OF THE TEACHING OF THE VEDAS BY VIVEKANANDA.

Prosperity and Faith

Yesterday on WNYC, I listened to a program about the "Prosperity Gospel," a Pentacostal Christian movement that claims that the recession, and people's economic struggles, come from lack of faith in, or disobedience to, God. My immediate thought was, how mean-spirited and unfair. After all, Jesus and his followers were not wealthy people. Jesus was particularly kind and compassionate towards those who were disenfranchised from society, and critical of the wealthy and sometimes hypocritic members of the upper-class. How can these preachers chastise their followers and accuse them of causing their own economic woes by not believing or praying enough?

But then I thought about the question another way. Can you be poor from lack of faith? I believe the answer is yes. Think about this country. We have wealth and leisure time that are unimaginable to people like Flor and Thomas. And yet, Americans take anti-depressants in record numbers. We careen through relationships; we are continually dissatisfied or bored with our lives. Our secular lives, our emphasis on consumerism, have not brought us deep and lasting happiness. They can't. On the other hand, there are people in the world who have very little, and yet they are content and peaceful. Whether it is a belief in the dharma, Jesus, or secular humanism, we must have faith in something beyond ourselves. We must help others; that is what really makes us happy. We must measure our wealth in love and happiness, not possessions. Otherwise, no matter how much we have, we will be poor in spirit.

I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace. H.H.D.L.

From Houses to Homes

We are flying home from Guatemala, after building for a lovely family. They are Flore, the mother, Thomas, the father, and three children: Blanca, age 7, Thomas, age 5 and Jessica, age 2. Their home was a one-room, windowless shack, roughly the size of our dining room in New Jersey. The walls were made of dried cornstalks on the outside and sheets of black plastic on the inside. The floors were hardened dirt. In the shack were two beds – one for the parents and one for the three children. The only source of light was a circular, dim fluorescent bulb as the village got electricity a year ago.

They have a small kitchen adjacent to the one room. It has a stone oven, heated with wood, and a small counter. The bathroom is another little cornstalk shack, with a bottomless toilet seat that opens to a deep hole in the ground. The family collects rainwater in big barrels, and uses a bucket of water to occasionally “flush” the toilet. There is no running water. Children under four don’t use the outhouse; they urinate in the yard.

There were 6 adults on our team, all of whom were donating their time. There were also 3 young Guatemalan men, who I later learned all lived in houses built by From Houses to Homes. After seeing how FHTH changed the lives of their families, they each volunteered with FHTH to learn construction, and then became employees. Thomas, the father of the family we were building for, also helped.

It took 6 days of non-stop labor, but now the family lives in a much larger home, made of cinderblocks and cement. It has a window and a locking door, a proper cement floor and a tin roof that includes a plastic panel to let in natural light. On the last day, Flore and her two sister-in-laws cooked a delicious meal for the entire crew. They labored in the small kitchen for several hours. The kitchen was so smoke filled that I could only be in it for a moment or two before my eyes began to burn. However after Thomas served the crew outside, Flore, her relatives and all of their children ate inside the small smoky kitchen. This is their custom.

As the days progressed, more and more children from the neighborhood peeked in to see how the build was going. Most of the children in the village do not go to school. By the time children are 9, they are expected to help the family. The girls take care of their younger siblings and the boys work on farms. School costs money – approximately $5 a month, which is more than most of these families can afford. A day laborer can expect to earn at most $3 a day, and there isn’t work every day. However, Blanca and Thomas go to school. Flore walks them to and from each morning and afternoon, up a long steep hill and through the town of Santa Maria de Jesus. It is well over a mile, and Flore does it twice a day with baby Jessica tied to her back. This commitment to the education of their children is one of the reasons From Houses to Homes picked this family for a new house.

On the last day, we presented Flore and Thomas with the key to their new home, in a beautiful and emotional ceremony. So many people from the village came to see the house and witness their neighbor’s good fortune. It is hard to imagine that the lives of a family can be changed by the construction of a one-room house that is smaller than most New York studio apartments. And yet, for this family, in their world, it is a huge change. I felt so grateful to be able to participate in this build. To be able to reach out from my life and touch their lives; to make a connection and give a little of what I have to someone else, is a great gift. As always, the giver receives so much more than the recipient. It is important to be reminded that whatever we deem unsatisfactory in our lives is really nothing at all. To be around people whose hearts are so full despite having so little is quite a teaching. I look forward to returning to Guatemala soon.

a radiant heart

Sometimes when I look at a person, his or her individual nature dissolves and I see what I can only describe as consciousness in an angel's body. You would think this happens when I am feeling warm and fuzzy, but more often it's when I'm starting to feel negative or afflicted emotions. Today, I attended the High School awards ceremony, both to present an award and as a parent whose child was receiving an award. I was sitting on the stage with the other presenters, and, once my presentation was over, started to feel restless and impatient that there were still so many other presentations to go. But as I looked out over the auditorium filled with students and parents, their individual natures dissolved and I saw hopes and dreams, love and pride, and a room full of angels. My ex-husband sat in the first row. I felt united with him in the pride and love we feel for our daughter, and he too transformed into an angel before my eyes. Suddenly, I felt filled with happiness. I would have been content for the ceremony to go on forever. I realized that, without planning to, I had applied the four infinite thoughts of kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity (Yoga Sutra 1.33). The result was that my heart felt "carefree and radiant like starlight."

It has been excellently said by the Teacher of Gods and Men that among all wealth, contentment is the best. So be fully content. If you know contentment, even if you possess no wealth, you’ll be perfectly rich.
– Arya Nagarjuna, Letter to a Friend

yes, it's all for the best

Today we went into the city for Samy's 8th birthday party. We had planned a small "extravaganza" at American Girl Place in NY. Samy got to invited 4 friends to lunch at the AG cafe; the dolls were to have hair makeovers at the AG salon, and then we'd come home for presents.

We whizzed to the Lincoln Tunnel and then things started to go wrong. Just as we were about to enter the tunnel, a car caught fire inside the tunnel, all lanes were closed, and emergency vehicles hurried in. After 1/2 hour, all was clear, thankfully no-one was hurt, the police opened up the tunnels and we started through. But then one of the cars in front of us overheated and stopped. We waited another 20 minutes -- this time inside the tunnel. Finally, we made to AG, but they had given away our table in the cafe, and the next seating wasn't for another hour and a half. The girls were cranky and hungry. Samy started thinking that her birthday was a disaster.

Two of the girls maintained positive attitudes the whole time: "Good thing it wasn't us in that car!" "At least we finally got here!" "Lots of girls never even get to come here!" Surprisingly, Samy, more than any of the other girls, saw the worst in the situation. Perhaps she was hungry, or worried about what her friends were going to think. But I wondered why some people see the bright side, while others just can't? And what are the karmic seeds we need to plant to see ourselves that way? Researchers found that people with naturally pessimistic tendencies are reassured by thinking about the worst case scenarios, whereas optimists soothe themselves by thinking, "I think I can I think I can." But what makes someone an optimist or a pessimist?

Some googling later, and surprise! Studies have found that helping others and feeling gratitude contribute to feeling happy, upbeat and optimistic. Sounds like karma, doesn't it? So here is my wish: may you always be grateful for all of your blessings; may you feel moved to help others to feel as blessed as you; and may your glass always be half full.

taking refuge

When I took refuge vows, I committed to "go for refuge to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, until I reach enlightenment. By the goodness of all I do, in giving and the rest, may I reach Buddhahood for the sake of every living being." The idea behind taking refuge is that when it starts to rain, we like to find a shelter. The Buddhist shelter from the rain of problems and pain of life is threefold: the Buddha, his teachings (the Dharma) and the spiritual community (the Sangha). Taking refuge means that we have some understanding about what causes all of the problems in our lives, and we have confidence that the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha (the "Three Jewels") can help us.

Having a framework for living an ethical life gives me a sense of freedom. Just as children need boundaries and limits to feel safe, flourish and thrive, so do adults need guidelines to live happy, fulfilling lives. When I am unsure of my path -- when I'm not sure how to react to a situation or have feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment, irritation, etc. -- it is liberating to have a system of "thou shalts" and "thou shalt nots" to guide me. Every authentic spiritual tradition has a code of ethics. Mine are ultimately holding onto karma (the belief that all of my actions have future consequences and my present is the consequence of my past actions), and emptiness (the realization that everything that I perceive -including myself- is changing and impermanent, and the way I perceive my world is coming from me, not at me). Because of my belief in karma and emptiness, I follow my vows as closely as I can.

I have friends who are going through a difficult divorce who have lost sight of their spiritual guidelines. Instead of turning the other cheek, or loving each other as they love themselves, they are tearing each other apart. They are thinking: "what I need," "what I want," "what's right for me," and are taking actions that hurt each other and that will have repercussions for years to come. They have forgotten the love they once had for each other. They are in denial about their respective parts in the end of their marriage. They cannot see that their perceptions are colored by their respective projections. They have forgotten that because they have children together, they will be in each other's lives forever. Both Christians, they have forgotten what Jesus said about resolving conflict: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Mathew 7:3-5. Or as the Buddha told his disciples 500 years before the Common Era, “the faults of others are easier to see than one’s own; the faults of others are easily seen, for they are sifted like chaff, but one’s own faults are hard to see. Do not look at the faults of others, or what others have done or not done; observe what you yourself have done and have not done."

It is breaking my heart to watch them hurting each other. I wonder whether I went through all of the pain from my divorce to be able to be of help to them, or whether I am witnessing the pain they are going through in order to learn lessons about my past. In any event, I only hope that I can help them find the love that's in their hearts, even as they sever their vows to each other. Because we have to turn the other cheek to everyone, not just some. We have to "do unto others as we would have done to us," to everyone, not just some. These precepts can't be applied selectively. They have to be applied infinitely and universally.

It is far more useful to be aware of a single shortcoming in ourselves than it is to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. For when the fault is our own, we are in a position to correct it. H.H.D.L.

clearing the cache

I was just having a lot of trouble logging in. The log-in page kept refreshing. (Funny to think that this sentence would have made no sense to me a few years ago.) Google told me to "clear my cache" which is computer speak for "erase your browser's memory because it is too full and can't process new information." Once I "cleared the cache," the browser was able to "see anew" the log-in information and move forward.

Gerald Fischbach is a neuroscientist who has worked for much of his career on synapses, the connections between nerve cells through which information and instructions are passed during perception, thought and movement. As he explains it, "Memory is the scaffolding upon which all mental life is constructed." By relying on memory, we make sense of the present and contemplate the future via exploiting information from our past.

From a Buddhist and yogic perspective, however, we know that we are constantly seeing our world incorrectly. We view the world as coming "at us," not from us. (How often do we discover later that things were not as they appeared before?) If our mental faculty of memory is central to our sense of existence, and fundamental to our understanding of the world around us, and all of our thoughts and actions have been tainted by a mistaken view of the world, how can our experience of the here and now not be hopelessly flawed?

I thought about this last night when my ex-husband stopped by to have me sign something. Samy, so effusive in her love for everyone, kept hugging him and he was very sweet to her, and polite to me. He looked tired and fragile. I thought about how I would see him if I could clear my "cache" of memories and see him as if for the first time. This morning in meditation, I took this thought to other experiences, wondering how my memories are clouding my experiences of new moments.

In a beautiful Sanskrit workshop on Saturday, Manorama said, "memory is a prism that distorts our experience of reality." And it's true. When we are constantly carrying into the present moment memories from past experiences, we are never truly open to that present moment. This is not to say that all memories are bad. But sometimes they get in the way. Sometimes, as Lama Marut says, you need to question your "default settings." Sometimes you need to "clear the cache" and start fresh.

love your obstacles

I think Eve ate the apple because she was bored out of her mind. Living in a perfect world doesn't mean that there are never disagreements or obstacles. It means that we meet them with grace, compassion, patience and kindness. When things don't go our way, people disagree with us, or we can't get what we want, we often blame those things for our unhappiness or discontent. But the real cause is how we relate to these experiences. As Master Patanjali says in the Yoga Sutras, 2.3: "Ignorance, egoism, attachment, aversion, and clinging to bodily life" are the cause of our problems. What would life be without hurdles to jump over, personalities and differences of opinion to negotiate and tolerate, or setbacks to make us stronger? Dull. Meet your obstacles with an open heart and mind. Look to what they teach you. Be inspired and intrigued, and keep growing.

the body is a losing proposition

Our bodies are not perfectible. Face it. No matter how much we exercise, moisturize, hydrate, and diet, eventually we will sag, wrinkle, and decay. I say this not to be morbid, but as a plain truth. The body is just a losing proposition. All it is ultimately useful for is as a vehicle. And the place to go with it is to enlightenment -- ultimate happiness -- nirvana -- heaven on earth -- whatever you want to call it. How? First - reinvest the sacred into your world. Treat EVERYTHING as sacred. Eat and exercise not for your vanity, but so that your body can support your spiritual development -- so that you can be a being who helps others. View every interaction, every experience, as a lesson to help you realize the true nature of reality. The person who cuts you off in traffic is teaching you patience and compassion. Losses are lessons in impermanence. Etc. Second, meditate EVERY DAY! 10 minutes a day is better than 30 minutes once in a while. Meditation is the only way you are going to be able to look at and dissect the obstacles you have that get in the way of your own happiness. And you need to figure this out right away, because you can't show people the way out of a burning building if you haven't found the exit. Third, examine your thoughts and actions all the time, every day. Stop gossiping and talking ill of people. As the Buddha said, to be aware of a single shortcoming in yourself is more useful than being aware of 1000 in someone else. Be scrupulously truthful and honest. Whenever you want something in your life - make sure someone else gets it first. If you don't want something in your life, help other people eliminate it from theirs.

This list is by no means comprehensive, but it's a start. Being tight bodied, wrinkle free, wealthy, successful are EMPTY of happiness in and of themselves. They are not guarantees of joy. Only your mind can bring that to you.

who's fault is it anyway?

We all have people in our lives who judge us, or see bad motivations or intent in our actions. I have had people hold me in the highest regard and then feel deeply disappointed when I don't meet their expectations. It is so easy to internalize their expectations and disappointment; to waver between striving, feeling good, and then plummeting into self-doubt and low self-esteem, or to feel angry at them for making me feel this way. I have to remind myself that if I careen through all these emotions during occasional encounters with such a person, imagine what it must feel like to be that person. Because people who are hard on others -- who default to feeling let-down, deceived, misled, disappointed -- are hard on themselves all the time. Chances are they are always efforting -- trying their hardest, never relaxing, and always feeling like they are not good enough. Whatever suffering I'm experiencing by occasionally feeling their expectations and disappointment is nothing compared to what they are inflicting on themselves.

It's hard to see it this way, especially when I feel hurt and wrongly thought of. But the "me" that feels wounded and misunderstood only exists in my mind. And the "me" that disappointed only exists in the other person's mind. There is no objective "me." If I can hold onto the emptiness of this, and just always try to be my highest self, I can have love and compassion rather than wanting to get as far away as I can.

love + love = love

This weekend, I attended a reunion of friends from camp that recently re-connected in the virtual world of Facebook. Most of us had not seen each other for over 35 years. Three of us went for a walk around the old camp site. For 6 weeks each summer, that place was our whole lives, where dreams were made and lived, loves were found or lost, and nothing mattered more. The heightened sense of reality we lived with then -- the feeling of no past and future but only those 6 weeks -- those moments on the edge of our lives, came flooding back. Since Sunday, many of those memories have seemed more real to me than my present life. I have caught myself mentally walking down memory lane while physically walking my daughter to school; the siren call of a rose-colored past, and thoughts of what the reconnection with people from that past can mean to my present, is so alluring. How might these connections shape me today and tomorrow?

I received help sorting through it all from an amazing dharma talk by yoga teacher Jillian Pransky. She asked us -- "isn't it miraculous how quickly we can fall in love?" She was talking about this in the context of how quickly we fall in love with a baby, and the worries and fears that can accompany that love, and the importance of staying open to all of life's possibilities -- but it resonated with me. In the summer of 1973, I fell in love so quickly with a boy, with a place, and with what it meant to be in that place and with that boy. And walking through that place 35 years later was to relive that love -- to have it feel so real and so relevant and so present. Love can knock you off of your feet. To feel so much love for all I have in my present life, and to add to that love I had in the past, is almost more miracles than I can bear. A piece of me starts to contract and shy away in fear. But as I tell my daughters, the heart has an infinite capacity to love. Feeling love can never detract from feeling love. All we can do is try to keep our balance and stay open to the question, "what next?"

spring cleaning IV

Seize the coming of spring to let go of any small ideas you have about yourself. The "you" you think you are never existed anywhere but in your mind. So why not start thinking of "you" as the kindest, most compassionate, loving, patient, radiant person. Change your perception of "you," and you will change your perception of your world.

spring cleaning III

There was an amazing essay in the Styles section of the NY Times yesterday about how Alzheimer's disease had, in some way, healed the writer's grandmother and family. (A Memory Magically Interrupted by Robert Leleux) As the grandmother's Alzheimer's progressed, her overall health improved. The doctor explained that people with Alzheimer's often heal themselves of their physical diseases because they forget they have them. Moreover, as her memory faded, the grandmother became happier and kinder. From the article:

Imagine: to be freed from your memory, to have every awful thing that ever happened to you wiped away - and not just your past, but your worries about the future, too. Because with no sense of time or memory, past and future cease to exist, along with all sense of loss and regret. Not to mention grudges and hurt feelings, arguments and embarrassments. And that's the fantasy, isn't it? To be able not to merely forget, but to expunge your unhappy childhood, or unrequited love, or rocky marriage from your memory. To start over again.

We can't expunge the experiences -- they happened. But we can change how we look at them and the way we feel about them. For example - people in a yoga class find out that their usual teacher isn't teaching that day -- there is a last minute sub. Most of the people are ambivalent. Some are excited to experience someone new. And some are really upset and disappointed that the teacher they expected is not there. One or two actually feel betrayed and angry. The experience -- coming to a class, having a different teacher -- is the same but the way people feel about it is different. Where are the feelings coming from? Not from the class, not from the original teacher or the sub. The feelings come from the individuals.

Your world is coming from you, not at you. So if you don't like your world, change it. Take this season of rebirth and renewal to change how you think about your past. Think about the valuable lessons you learned from difficult experiences. View them as blessings instead of wounds. We shouldn't need to wipe out our memories to be happy.

spring cleaning II

Better keep yourself clean and bright;
You are the window through which you must see the world.
George Bernard Shaw

spring cleaning

When Wendy leaves Neverland, Peter Pan promises to come back for her when it's spring cleaning time. When he does come back, she is all grown up, and too old to fly. Year after year, watching the Mary Martin movie, my heart would break when Wendy cried, "Oh how I wish I could go with you," and replied, "but you can't -- you're just too old."

As long as we are in our beginner's mind, we are never to old for spring cleaning. And I mean of the spiritual kind! Our minds - our feelings about ourselves - our idea of "me," is nothing more than a collection of feelings and memories about the experiences we've had and how we've reacted to them. What better time than spring to throw out those that don't serve us, or think of them differently so that they do?

An example from my life: In primary school, I always felt excluded from the group of girls I most wanted to be friends with. There were two girls in particular who wouldn't let me in. I took this experience to mean that I was the outsider -- the wannabe. But looking back on it, this experience also gave me a big sensitivity for other people who might feel left out. I have always been one to befriend someone who seems friendless, include someone who is lingering on the outside, and try to make someone who is down feel good about who they are. So was my experience in grade school bad for me or good for me? Most of us are not born with perfect compassion, empathy, kindness, benevolence. I know I wasn't! So we need teachers along the way. And those teachers don't always come in the form of empowering self-help books. Sometimes they come in the form of people who seemingly make us suffer.

Spring (and at least today it's sunny, not snowing!) is a good time to think about experiences in our lives that we labeled as negatives, and reflect on whether there was a positive that flowed from them. We can see people in our past as teachers, not villains. We can never be objective about how we view our selves and our past. So why not pick the view that serves us most? And then, we will never be too old to soar.