taking refuge

When I took refuge vows, I committed to "go for refuge to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, until I reach enlightenment. By the goodness of all I do, in giving and the rest, may I reach Buddhahood for the sake of every living being." The idea behind taking refuge is that when it starts to rain, we like to find a shelter. The Buddhist shelter from the rain of problems and pain of life is threefold: the Buddha, his teachings (the Dharma) and the spiritual community (the Sangha). Taking refuge means that we have some understanding about what causes all of the problems in our lives, and we have confidence that the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha (the "Three Jewels") can help us.

Having a framework for living an ethical life gives me a sense of freedom. Just as children need boundaries and limits to feel safe, flourish and thrive, so do adults need guidelines to live happy, fulfilling lives. When I am unsure of my path -- when I'm not sure how to react to a situation or have feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment, irritation, etc. -- it is liberating to have a system of "thou shalts" and "thou shalt nots" to guide me. Every authentic spiritual tradition has a code of ethics. Mine are ultimately holding onto karma (the belief that all of my actions have future consequences and my present is the consequence of my past actions), and emptiness (the realization that everything that I perceive -including myself- is changing and impermanent, and the way I perceive my world is coming from me, not at me). Because of my belief in karma and emptiness, I follow my vows as closely as I can.

I have friends who are going through a difficult divorce who have lost sight of their spiritual guidelines. Instead of turning the other cheek, or loving each other as they love themselves, they are tearing each other apart. They are thinking: "what I need," "what I want," "what's right for me," and are taking actions that hurt each other and that will have repercussions for years to come. They have forgotten the love they once had for each other. They are in denial about their respective parts in the end of their marriage. They cannot see that their perceptions are colored by their respective projections. They have forgotten that because they have children together, they will be in each other's lives forever. Both Christians, they have forgotten what Jesus said about resolving conflict: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Mathew 7:3-5. Or as the Buddha told his disciples 500 years before the Common Era, “the faults of others are easier to see than one’s own; the faults of others are easily seen, for they are sifted like chaff, but one’s own faults are hard to see. Do not look at the faults of others, or what others have done or not done; observe what you yourself have done and have not done."

It is breaking my heart to watch them hurting each other. I wonder whether I went through all of the pain from my divorce to be able to be of help to them, or whether I am witnessing the pain they are going through in order to learn lessons about my past. In any event, I only hope that I can help them find the love that's in their hearts, even as they sever their vows to each other. Because we have to turn the other cheek to everyone, not just some. We have to "do unto others as we would have done to us," to everyone, not just some. These precepts can't be applied selectively. They have to be applied infinitely and universally.

It is far more useful to be aware of a single shortcoming in ourselves than it is to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. For when the fault is our own, we are in a position to correct it. H.H.D.L.