knowing that you don't know

Mariel, my older daughter, goes to college in the fall. Much as I know that she's ready, happy as I am for her to begin this next phase of life, I feel heavy-hearted and a bit lost. So much of the last 18 years have revolved around thoughts of her. My divorce from her father and my struggles to parent her in the midst of a contentious custody battle and acrimonious post-divorce relationship colored these years. During them, I discovered myself. I stopped practicing law to be able to spend more time with her. I started painting again, and developed a career as an artist, happy that it fit around her schedule. I got involved with Gas Lamp Players because she loved being in the shows. And now, she's preparing to leave.

I guess it's no wonder that I'm feeling a bit unmoored . Yesterday, I met with my teacher, who asked me "what is your calling?" She wanted to know what I feel moved to do with my life. And I realized that, "at this moment in time," I don't know. I'm not comfortable with that. She said, "you need to get comfortable with ambiguities." She's right. I have never been comfortable "not knowing." Whether in a relationship or in my work, I have always pushed for clarity and certainty. Being in a state of not knowing is uncomfortable and disconcerting. And that is what I must sit with. As Manorama said on Saturday, "knowing that you don't know is infinitely better than not knowing."