who's your Shiva?

In Hinduism, Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva represent the three primary aspects of the divine and are collectively known as the Trimurti. In this school of religious thought, Brahma is the creator, Vishnu is the maintainer or preserver, and Shiva is the destroyer or transformer. More than the other two, Shiva is a god of ambiguity and paradox, whose attributes include opposing themes. In the Mahabharata, Shiva is depicted as "the standard of invincibility, might, and terror", as well as a figure of honor, delight, and brilliance. Shiva is responsible for change both in the form of death and destruction, as well as shedding old habits and re-birth.

In meditation today, a teaching came to me: "you must first develop a healthy sense of Self before having the direct realization that your self, as you have traditionally seen it, is empty." I thought about how I had perceived my first husband as Shiva in my life - someone who's anger felt like it would destroy me. (I want to note that this was my perception.) But because he was in my life, I figured out who I was, and how to be strong in my sense of "Self." Because he was on my path, I have a beautiful daughter, discovered yoga, and live a wonderful life where I am able to be of service to many people. Thus, he completely embodied the duality of Shiva's fearful and auspicious attributes.

As my sense of "Self" has changed, so has my understanding of my experience with him. I have come to see my part in everything that happened between us. I have come to see how my experiences were coming from me, not at me. And my memories, and feelings about what happened between us have changed. When I met with my teacher on Monday, she said that "memories are empty. They have no hard and fast self-existent nature. Therefore, they are infinitely changeable. As you change your present, you change your past." At first this was hard to comprehend, but as I have "cooked it" the past two days, I have begun to understand it. And I am grateful for all of the times that Shiva has manifested in my life to tear me down so that I can re-build and grow.