let it flow

I am surrounded by angels. I walk my daughter to school each morning and Mr. Larry, the crossing guard, is there ushering children across the street and holding off cars as if they were fire-breathing dragons threatening his precious princes and princesses. "Come on over Samy," he calls, and Samy skips across the street, protected by an angel. I walk home and the irises in my front yard send their sweet scent to me, their iridescent purple colors gladdening my eyes. My dog bounds forward to greet me, her tail wagging; she showers me with unconditional love as if we'd been parted for eons, not just 5 minutes. (What if humans always greeted each other with this much affection?) My snowy white cat trots beside her -- a testiment to how beings from completely different species, supposedly natural antagonists, can find common ground. Later this morning, I will go to Samy's spring concert. Many little angels will lift their voices in song and their parents, all angels, will beam their love. Many of these parents have recently lost their jobs. Some are confronting selling their homes. Others are battling illnesses that their children know nothing about. There are hardships. But this morning, love will prevail. Just as a stream will erode the hardest stone, so love will overcome the hardest circumstances, if you let it flow.

making sense of the senses

to realize the true nature of reality, you must meditate with single pointed concentration and analysis. To calm the mind enough to focus single-pointedly, you must perfect your morality. How can the mind concentrate if it is wrapped up in thoughts of anger, jealousy, longing, lusting, mindless chatter, and gossip? I was reminded of this this morning, when, in the middle of my meditation, I started wondering about whether Mike had married Susan at the end of the season finale of Desperate Housewives, and whether Izzy really died at the end of the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. I could not calm my mind. No matter how much I tried to pull it back, It kept returning to Wisteria Lane and Seattle Grace.

Watching all of these TV shows is definitely a form of mindless chatter. There's no question that it detracts from my meditation practice. So now that the season's over, I'm going to stop watching TV. Just as soon as I find out who won American Idol and Dancing with the Stars...

first there was the word

This past weekend, angel teacher Jessica Kung taught a beautiful Tibetan Heart Yoga workshop at Lotus. She raised the interesting point that Eastern practitioners believed that the body was a holy machine for enlightenment. The yoga asanas were considered to be ways to move and pose your body to magically transform it into light. The practices were realized in deep meditation, and Eastern medicine developed language that reflected this magical, sacred view of the body - channels, chakras, winds, and elements. In contrast, the language Western medicine has developed for describing a living body was developed from dissecting cadavers. When we think of our bodies, we think of flesh, blood, bones, guts, muscle, etc., and not of light, energy and a vessel for realizing the divine. Jessica challenged us to change the way we view ourselves. Instead of thinking about a tight hamstring, envision winds of energy in the body. Envision finding the element of earth -- stable, grounded and supported -- in the legs as they make contact with the ground, and then sending the elements of wind and water to the back of the legs as you stretch forward.

For me, a person who is always suffering from one physical ailment or another (sore knees, tight rotator cuffs, etc.), this was earth-shattering. I was able to use my mind to transform the way I see my body, and my body responded! Lama Christie has said that the objects of meditation are like blank paintings; however your mind paints the object is how you will see it. And we can use the paintbrush of our concentration to change our ordinary view of our lives.

The use of language defines how we see our world. It is not accident that the bible says, "First there was the Word." (John 1:1) Before a baby has learned the word "pen," that object can be a dog's chew toy, a stake to support tomatoes, a sword, or any number of things that we can't imagine because our perception is limited by the word "pen." In yoga, the use of the language of Western medicine can define your practice in a way that doesn't serve the purpose of yoga. Think about the power of the language you use in all aspects of your life. Change the language; change your experience.

yes, it's all for the best

Today we went into the city for Samy's 8th birthday party. We had planned a small "extravaganza" at American Girl Place in NY. Samy got to invited 4 friends to lunch at the AG cafe; the dolls were to have hair makeovers at the AG salon, and then we'd come home for presents.

We whizzed to the Lincoln Tunnel and then things started to go wrong. Just as we were about to enter the tunnel, a car caught fire inside the tunnel, all lanes were closed, and emergency vehicles hurried in. After 1/2 hour, all was clear, thankfully no-one was hurt, the police opened up the tunnels and we started through. But then one of the cars in front of us overheated and stopped. We waited another 20 minutes -- this time inside the tunnel. Finally, we made to AG, but they had given away our table in the cafe, and the next seating wasn't for another hour and a half. The girls were cranky and hungry. Samy started thinking that her birthday was a disaster.

Two of the girls maintained positive attitudes the whole time: "Good thing it wasn't us in that car!" "At least we finally got here!" "Lots of girls never even get to come here!" Surprisingly, Samy, more than any of the other girls, saw the worst in the situation. Perhaps she was hungry, or worried about what her friends were going to think. But I wondered why some people see the bright side, while others just can't? And what are the karmic seeds we need to plant to see ourselves that way? Researchers found that people with naturally pessimistic tendencies are reassured by thinking about the worst case scenarios, whereas optimists soothe themselves by thinking, "I think I can I think I can." But what makes someone an optimist or a pessimist?

Some googling later, and surprise! Studies have found that helping others and feeling gratitude contribute to feeling happy, upbeat and optimistic. Sounds like karma, doesn't it? So here is my wish: may you always be grateful for all of your blessings; may you feel moved to help others to feel as blessed as you; and may your glass always be half full.

the still point

Manorama has a beautiful article about the OM cycle -- the beginning, middle and ending of every feeling, event, perception, etc. OM, which is really made of the letters A-U-M, represents so many things, but here it represents the circle of our existence -- the birth, life, death, re-birth, and so on. For those of us who still have a storehouse of karma, it is never-ending and can seem pointless -- like the caucus race in Alice and Wonderland, or running on a hamster's wheel. We race around and around the circle, which represents the roller-coaster-like rise and fall of our existence. We whirl from experience to experience, from ups to downs and back again. We think that how we perceive our world is how it really exists. We are constantly thrown when things change or do not last, because we keep making mistakes about how things work. At the center of the circle is stillness and emptiness. If we can just step off the circle, we can get to that place; we can see ourselves as we really are, and our world as really is. But the only way to get there is through meditation. We have to still the mind, develop a single pointed focus, so that we can see things clearly enough to step off the OM cycle.

But we can't still the mind if we hurt each other. If we violate our codes of ethics -- if we hurt other beings, or lie to ourselves or others, or gossip and cause others to be ill-thought of, or ruin other people's relationships, the mind is too embroiled in negative emotions like anger, ignorance, jealousy, clinging and grasping to ever get still. So the first step towards stillness is to embrace a spiritual path -- e.g., Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Secular Humanism, etc., -- and follow its code of ethics faithfully. And follow the code ALL THE TIME. You can't be selective. It can't be o.k. to harm one person but not o.k. to harm another. It can't be o.k. to lie sometimes. All ancient spiritual traditions embrace the same values of non-harming, non-stealing, truthfulness, etc. While great violence has been done in the name of many of these traditions, at their core, they create beautiful frameworks for peace and happiness. Follow the framework and the mind can be still. Still the mind, and see clearly. See clearly, and step off the OM cycle.

taking refuge

When I took refuge vows, I committed to "go for refuge to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, until I reach enlightenment. By the goodness of all I do, in giving and the rest, may I reach Buddhahood for the sake of every living being." The idea behind taking refuge is that when it starts to rain, we like to find a shelter. The Buddhist shelter from the rain of problems and pain of life is threefold: the Buddha, his teachings (the Dharma) and the spiritual community (the Sangha). Taking refuge means that we have some understanding about what causes all of the problems in our lives, and we have confidence that the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha (the "Three Jewels") can help us.

Having a framework for living an ethical life gives me a sense of freedom. Just as children need boundaries and limits to feel safe, flourish and thrive, so do adults need guidelines to live happy, fulfilling lives. When I am unsure of my path -- when I'm not sure how to react to a situation or have feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment, irritation, etc. -- it is liberating to have a system of "thou shalts" and "thou shalt nots" to guide me. Every authentic spiritual tradition has a code of ethics. Mine are ultimately holding onto karma (the belief that all of my actions have future consequences and my present is the consequence of my past actions), and emptiness (the realization that everything that I perceive -including myself- is changing and impermanent, and the way I perceive my world is coming from me, not at me). Because of my belief in karma and emptiness, I follow my vows as closely as I can.

I have friends who are going through a difficult divorce who have lost sight of their spiritual guidelines. Instead of turning the other cheek, or loving each other as they love themselves, they are tearing each other apart. They are thinking: "what I need," "what I want," "what's right for me," and are taking actions that hurt each other and that will have repercussions for years to come. They have forgotten the love they once had for each other. They are in denial about their respective parts in the end of their marriage. They cannot see that their perceptions are colored by their respective projections. They have forgotten that because they have children together, they will be in each other's lives forever. Both Christians, they have forgotten what Jesus said about resolving conflict: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Mathew 7:3-5. Or as the Buddha told his disciples 500 years before the Common Era, “the faults of others are easier to see than one’s own; the faults of others are easily seen, for they are sifted like chaff, but one’s own faults are hard to see. Do not look at the faults of others, or what others have done or not done; observe what you yourself have done and have not done."

It is breaking my heart to watch them hurting each other. I wonder whether I went through all of the pain from my divorce to be able to be of help to them, or whether I am witnessing the pain they are going through in order to learn lessons about my past. In any event, I only hope that I can help them find the love that's in their hearts, even as they sever their vows to each other. Because we have to turn the other cheek to everyone, not just some. We have to "do unto others as we would have done to us," to everyone, not just some. These precepts can't be applied selectively. They have to be applied infinitely and universally.

It is far more useful to be aware of a single shortcoming in ourselves than it is to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. For when the fault is our own, we are in a position to correct it. H.H.D.L.

who's your Shiva?

In Hinduism, Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva represent the three primary aspects of the divine and are collectively known as the Trimurti. In this school of religious thought, Brahma is the creator, Vishnu is the maintainer or preserver, and Shiva is the destroyer or transformer. More than the other two, Shiva is a god of ambiguity and paradox, whose attributes include opposing themes. In the Mahabharata, Shiva is depicted as "the standard of invincibility, might, and terror", as well as a figure of honor, delight, and brilliance. Shiva is responsible for change both in the form of death and destruction, as well as shedding old habits and re-birth.

In meditation today, a teaching came to me: "you must first develop a healthy sense of Self before having the direct realization that your self, as you have traditionally seen it, is empty." I thought about how I had perceived my first husband as Shiva in my life - someone who's anger felt like it would destroy me. (I want to note that this was my perception.) But because he was in my life, I figured out who I was, and how to be strong in my sense of "Self." Because he was on my path, I have a beautiful daughter, discovered yoga, and live a wonderful life where I am able to be of service to many people. Thus, he completely embodied the duality of Shiva's fearful and auspicious attributes.

As my sense of "Self" has changed, so has my understanding of my experience with him. I have come to see my part in everything that happened between us. I have come to see how my experiences were coming from me, not at me. And my memories, and feelings about what happened between us have changed. When I met with my teacher on Monday, she said that "memories are empty. They have no hard and fast self-existent nature. Therefore, they are infinitely changeable. As you change your present, you change your past." At first this was hard to comprehend, but as I have "cooked it" the past two days, I have begun to understand it. And I am grateful for all of the times that Shiva has manifested in my life to tear me down so that I can re-build and grow.

knowing that you don't know

Mariel, my older daughter, goes to college in the fall. Much as I know that she's ready, happy as I am for her to begin this next phase of life, I feel heavy-hearted and a bit lost. So much of the last 18 years have revolved around thoughts of her. My divorce from her father and my struggles to parent her in the midst of a contentious custody battle and acrimonious post-divorce relationship colored these years. During them, I discovered myself. I stopped practicing law to be able to spend more time with her. I started painting again, and developed a career as an artist, happy that it fit around her schedule. I got involved with Gas Lamp Players because she loved being in the shows. And now, she's preparing to leave.

I guess it's no wonder that I'm feeling a bit unmoored . Yesterday, I met with my teacher, who asked me "what is your calling?" She wanted to know what I feel moved to do with my life. And I realized that, "at this moment in time," I don't know. I'm not comfortable with that. She said, "you need to get comfortable with ambiguities." She's right. I have never been comfortable "not knowing." Whether in a relationship or in my work, I have always pushed for clarity and certainty. Being in a state of not knowing is uncomfortable and disconcerting. And that is what I must sit with. As Manorama said on Saturday, "knowing that you don't know is infinitely better than not knowing."

clearing the cache

I was just having a lot of trouble logging in. The log-in page kept refreshing. (Funny to think that this sentence would have made no sense to me a few years ago.) Google told me to "clear my cache" which is computer speak for "erase your browser's memory because it is too full and can't process new information." Once I "cleared the cache," the browser was able to "see anew" the log-in information and move forward.

Gerald Fischbach is a neuroscientist who has worked for much of his career on synapses, the connections between nerve cells through which information and instructions are passed during perception, thought and movement. As he explains it, "Memory is the scaffolding upon which all mental life is constructed." By relying on memory, we make sense of the present and contemplate the future via exploiting information from our past.

From a Buddhist and yogic perspective, however, we know that we are constantly seeing our world incorrectly. We view the world as coming "at us," not from us. (How often do we discover later that things were not as they appeared before?) If our mental faculty of memory is central to our sense of existence, and fundamental to our understanding of the world around us, and all of our thoughts and actions have been tainted by a mistaken view of the world, how can our experience of the here and now not be hopelessly flawed?

I thought about this last night when my ex-husband stopped by to have me sign something. Samy, so effusive in her love for everyone, kept hugging him and he was very sweet to her, and polite to me. He looked tired and fragile. I thought about how I would see him if I could clear my "cache" of memories and see him as if for the first time. This morning in meditation, I took this thought to other experiences, wondering how my memories are clouding my experiences of new moments.

In a beautiful Sanskrit workshop on Saturday, Manorama said, "memory is a prism that distorts our experience of reality." And it's true. When we are constantly carrying into the present moment memories from past experiences, we are never truly open to that present moment. This is not to say that all memories are bad. But sometimes they get in the way. Sometimes, as Lama Marut says, you need to question your "default settings." Sometimes you need to "clear the cache" and start fresh.

the generous heart

When I stood there in the Costume Shop basement, thinking that I wanted to keep things because it was so hard to let go, I could actually feel my heart constricting. Holding on to something for no reason other than you don't want someone else to have it will actually shrink your heart. I was reminded of the story How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, in which the Grinch, whose heart was "two sizes two small," steals all the Who's presents because he can't bear to see them so happy. In negotiating a business deal, this approach is called the "scorched earth" strategy, a hardball "winner take all" tactic that invariably ends up alienating the other party to the deal. I am so grateful for the teachings that I study, because I was able to remind myself, before I did any damage, that no true happiness is possible without a generous heart. As Buddhist Christina Feldman in Heart of Wisdom, Mind of Calm observes: "Generosity lies at the heart of spiritual practice. Extending generosity to ourselves and others gladdens our heart, is a direct way of healing division, and brings joy." Teachings of generosity lie at the heart of all the great spiritual traditions. To quote Lama Marut, it is not happiness that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us happy. To quote Bob Hope, "people without charity in their hearts have serious heart problems." Even in the world of business negotiations, experts have learned that a win/win strategy, where both sides advance their interests, is best. When I was feeling stingy, I was unhappy and sour. Feeling generous, I am expansive and peaceful.

"Giving brings happiness at every stage of its expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous. We experience joy in the actual act of giving something. We experience joy in remembering the fact that we have given." The Buddha.

karma via ups

Lama Marut has a great saying: "Never be upset with others. They are just the UPS van delivering your own karma." I had to remind myself of this recently, when I was downstairs in the basement of the Costume Shop trying to make a list of items that Gas Lamp Players wants to keep after we sell the shop to On Cue Costumes. While I know this is the right move for Gas Lamp, sadness, resentment, misgivings and blame suddenly welled up inside of me. In moments like these, it is easy to lose your balance and, while teetering, fall back on old ways of reacting. My immediate response was to dig in, become territorial and grasp on to things I had forgotten we even had -- just because it was hard to let go. And really, the "things" I was clinging to mean nothing. They just represent a concept of what the costume shop means to me (which is different than what it means to someone else). After sleeping on this, and meditating on it this morning, I was able to "zero in" on those feelings and see how misguided they are. Zeroing in on negative feelings is like zeroing in on an itch or a foot that's fallen asleep. As soon as you zero in on it, you can't find it. Because when you try to put your mind on the itch, suddenly you can't locate it where you thought it was. It's the same with a negative feeling. If you go "into" the feeling and its apparent causes, it pops and disappears like a bubble. So what was the delivery by the karmic UPS truck? Two years ago, Gas Lamp Players took over a costume collection from the Junior League of Summit. We took everything, and Vince, the proprietor, was heartbroken to see those costumes go. He experienced the same sadness I was experiencing now. Looking back, I don't recall being all that compassionate about his loss. Well, here I am in the same situation. Hello karma delivery! This realization is helping me to be as gracious as possible. I am letting go of something that was never "mine" and that never existed as I thought it did anyway. So hopefully, I'll be able to plant new karmic seeds this time. And maybe the next time the karma UPS truck comes, it will bring something lovely!

no more monkey mind

I feel over-booked, over-committed, over-stimulated, over-caffeinated, over-loaded and overwhelmed. No wonder I feel over-tired! In addition to all I want to do, and all I have to do, and all I should do, there are the constant updates on Facebook and people following me on Twitter (how did that happen?) and emails and texts coming in and ... The Hindu Gods had many arms to be able to help infinite beings. We need many arms to keep up with our to-do lists. Yesterday, I came home with the thought of having so many things to do that I couldn't face any of them and watched Sunday night's Desperate Housewives instead. It actually felt relaxing to get lost in the trials and tribulations of the women on Wisteria Lane.

It seems to me that over-extending is the twin of laziness. It is another way of not paying close attention, not pausing, not paying attention to the moments that matter. It's a physical manifestation of the monkey mind, which, when meditating, constantly pulls you off of the object, until you've spent your sitting time mentally flitting from thing to thing, without concentrating on anything. Just as the mind toggles from thing to thing, we jump from task to task, not immersing in, completing, or fully enjoying anything. And at the end of the day, we wonder "where did the time go?" As Ellen DeGeneres says, "Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder." Listen to this clip, starting at 6.50. Ellen talks about all the things we try to do to save time, and how none of us ever feel like we have enough of it. And she ends with this classic phrase: Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast..."

So here's my pledge - I am going "off grid" for the day. I am going to sit on my cushion RIGHT NOW. And when I am done, I am going to get tough on my "to-do" list so that I have that time right here, right now, not later.

holy lama

On Saturday night, I went to a book release party for The Tibetan Book of Meditation, authored by Lama Christie McNally. The book is beautiful, and the evening was so inspiring. Lama Christie and Geshe Michael entered through a row of people all offering flowers and fruit. Despite the number of people greeting them, these two wonderful teachers took the time to stop and acknowledge each person, genuinely greeting and smiling at each individual. We tend to think of high, holy teachers as distant from us -- somewhat unapproachable and superior. But perhaps inspired by the twinkling eyes, warm smile and humble demeanor of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, in whose lineage they teach, our teachers are sweet, kind, loving and warm. Their main teaching is that kindness and compassion towards others is what brings happiness -- and they live this message.

Lama Christie led a brief emptiness meditation before talking about her book. One of the phrases she used was that we paint the picture of our reality like a painter paints a landscape. No two painters will see the same scene in the same way. In fact, the same painter can see the scene completely differently at a different time (think of all of Monet's paintings of water lilies). And we jump into our lives as if jumping into a painting. This reminded me of the movie "Mary Poppins" -- when Mary, Bert, Jane & Michael jump into Bert's chalk drawing and sing "It's a Jolly Holiday with Mary." What a lovely thought. If you don't like something in your reality, paint a different picture and then jump in.