Infinite Possibilities

Thursday afternoon, Lama Christie and Geshe Michael began teaching us the series. It is partner yoga. We began with a visualization of our central channel and chakras. As she explained, the chakras are not only knots in the central channel, but also doorways to the greater consciousness. Then we partnered with someone and did beautiful sequences trying to open these portals while trying to tune into each other's breath and chakras. It was just gorgeous and I can't wait to share it when I return.

Most of the students met the dharma many years ago, and have been studying with Lama Christie and Geshe Michael for a while. So many of them have studied at Diamond Mountain, or did the 300 hour teacher training with the Yoga Studies Institute. Most of them have also completed the 7 other THY Series certifications. The love among them is beautiful. The warmth and genuine caring they have for each other, and the openness towards and embrace of those of us (like me) who are not as familiar, is a great thing to behold. This all exudes from Geshe Michael and Lama Christie, who are so genuine, warm and loving to all. It is inspiring to be around so many people who have made their life mission nothing short of removing the suffering of all living beings, and helping people have a sense of wonder about their lives. As my teacher asked me yesterday, do you want to see yourself as ordinary, or extraordinary? Do you want to see your life as usual, or full of miracles?

A beautiful quote from class:

"You are as vast as the sky, full of infinite possibilities. Because of this, you have infinite potential, and an endless capacity for love and compassion. Believe that in an instant, you could fall in love with every living being in the entire universe, while at the same time realizing that the entire universe is coming from you." Kelly Roadhouse

Change Myself, Change the World

Today is the first day of Tibetan Heart Yoga Series ("THYS") 8 retreat in San Pancho, Mexico. We are about an hour outside of Puerto Vallarta, and the village of San Pancho is far removed from tourism. The resort is beautiful however, and the staff are grateful for our presence. This is especially so since September is the start of monsoon season and they are usually empty! Here is the daily schedule: Breakfast from 8 - 9AMl meditation from 9 - 9:45; Asana class from 10 - 11:30 (reviewing the principles of THYS 1-7); lunch; service work from 12:30 - 3PM; study groups from 3 - 3:30; THYS 8 training from 3:30 - 5:30; Dinner from 6:30 - 7:30; Kirtan from 8 - 8:30; Philosophy from 8:30 - 10PM. This morning we had an orientation about the two types of service work - one is helping to build a compost latrine for a local school, and the other is helping to finish building a community center for a wonderful organization called Entre Amigos that is trying to help give the community the skills to survive in a technological world. Both the school and Entre Amigos were founded by people who left their jobs and lives in other parts of the world to come to San Pancho. They are very passionate and inspired, and it is exciting to that we can help them.

So that schedule is intense! I don't know if my body is up for all the Asana practice but I will pace myself and treat my joints gently. The participants - about 75 - are a mix of Yoga Studies Institute practitioners who have been studying with Geshe Michael and Lama Christie for a long time, and some, like me, who are relatively new to karma and emptiness. There is much joyful reverence for the holy lamas, and the holy teachings. I am optimistic that by eradicating the kleshas of ignorant desire, pride, jealousy and grasping, from my own life, I will change the world.

pulling up roots

We are moving. Some say that moving is up there with death, marriage, divorce and childbirth as one of the major life stresses. Plus, my older daughter, Mariel, graduated from high school in June and is preparing to leave for college. Ch-ch-ch-changes.

I've lived in this house for 23 years. I moved here in 1986 with my first husband. I really tried to shed my artsy, independent ways and embrace a traditional suburban life style. I started shopping at Talbots. We decorated in off-whites and damask and furniture from North Carolina, commuted in and out of NY on the train, and held small, formal dinner parties with our wedding china and flatware. "Flashdance Girl" tried to become "Brie Vandekamp." Needless to say, that didn't work. After my divorce, the house blossomed as I reclaimed myself -- becoming colorful, bright, eclectic, and bold.

For the past 15 years, it's been a very happy place. But I am ready to leave it. As we staged the house, we painted over our plum bedroom ceiling, purple living room trim, and red closet door. My husband, who moved into this riot of color when we married 10 years ago, says I am saying goodbye to the house one color at a time. But I am excited to enter our new house with him -- to have a blank canvas to color together.

And I am grateful, in a funny way, for this period of turmoil. It's easy to be peaceful and calm and serene and loving when all is going well. But rocky roads are a truer test of spiritual growth. So this time period, full of change and the unknown, offers a ripe arena for practice. I'm buckling my seatbelt, ready for a bumpy ride!

a duck, rescued

post script:
the duck is safe and sound and reunited with her family/community. If only our compassion and empathy could save the rest of the world so quickly...

a duck, stranded

there is a duck sitting on top of my neighbor's roof. We were awakened this morning by the sound of it quacking. It's usual to hear the chatter of birds first thing in the morning, but I have never woken up to the cry of a duck. And this duck is crying, and appealing, and calling. She seems truly distressed. Was she migrating with a flock and did she mistakenly land on the roof? How did she get there and why? How will she get down, and where will she go? I went outside to try to talk her down. My husband opened the window and said, "You do know that you're out there talking to a duck..."

Being woken in the morning by a duck in distress makes me think about how beings come into our lives, sometimes just for a moment, to wake us up. This duck has awakened so much empathy and compassion in me this morning. And she reminds me that all over the world, there are beings who are lost, or lonely, or stranded, or abandoned. I cannot physically save this duck. Nor can I physically save all the beings who are suffering. But I can hold them all in my heart. I can take a few moments to sit, close my eyes, and try to send my spirit out to them all, to help them and keep them safe from suffering. So please, take a moment, for all who are suffering, and for the duck.

a radiant heart

Sometimes when I look at a person, his or her individual nature dissolves and I see what I can only describe as consciousness in an angel's body. You would think this happens when I am feeling warm and fuzzy, but more often it's when I'm starting to feel negative or afflicted emotions. Today, I attended the High School awards ceremony, both to present an award and as a parent whose child was receiving an award. I was sitting on the stage with the other presenters, and, once my presentation was over, started to feel restless and impatient that there were still so many other presentations to go. But as I looked out over the auditorium filled with students and parents, their individual natures dissolved and I saw hopes and dreams, love and pride, and a room full of angels. My ex-husband sat in the first row. I felt united with him in the pride and love we feel for our daughter, and he too transformed into an angel before my eyes. Suddenly, I felt filled with happiness. I would have been content for the ceremony to go on forever. I realized that, without planning to, I had applied the four infinite thoughts of kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity (Yoga Sutra 1.33). The result was that my heart felt "carefree and radiant like starlight."

It has been excellently said by the Teacher of Gods and Men that among all wealth, contentment is the best. So be fully content. If you know contentment, even if you possess no wealth, you’ll be perfectly rich.
– Arya Nagarjuna, Letter to a Friend

wait for it...

There's nothing like finding out your child has head-lice to throw your day into disarray. Spending hours picking nits out of Samy's hair was an exercise in patience and compassion. (By the way, I recommend a concoction of olive oil mixed with tea tree, rosemary, eucalyptus and lavender essential oils. Leave it on for one hour. Shampoo and then comb through with one of those super fine-tooth combs.) Just as I was at my wit's end, Samy said the most profound thing. "You know mom, the other day, my friend shouted in the playground: 'I hate Jewish people. They don't believe in God.' I said that I was part Jewish, and I would be sad if she hated me. She asked me if I believe in God. I said that I don't believe there's someone sitting in space watching us. I believe that God is everywhere and in everything beautiful. I believe that God is the goodness in people's hearts."

Thank you oh lice, for giving us this time together.

"Teach me your ways O Lord,
And I will walk in your path.
Give me an undivided heart,
And I will fear your name.
I will praise you,
O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever."
Psalm 86:11-1

choo on this

I see both of my daughters as enlightened beings. In their different ways, each of them lives the yamas and niyamas, and teach me all the time. This morning I told my older daughter this, and she said, "Oh mom, that's just how you see me." As if I only see her that way because I'm her mother. Of course she is right. Although I believe with all my heart that I am seeing her as she truly is, I can't separate my love and perceptions from my vision.

In law school, we learned the famous property adage, "possession is 9/10ths of the law." We could just as easily say "perception is 9/10ths of our reality." Is there any such thing as an objective perception? The dictionary defines "objectively" as: not influenced by personal feelings, interpretations, or prejudice; based on facts; unbiased. Further definitions are: intent upon or dealing with things external to the mind rather than with thoughts or feelings, as a person or a book; being the object of perception or thought; belonging to the object of thought rather than to the thinking subject. But take a moment and try to think about something without your personal feelings coloring your thoughts. Just try to separate yourself (the thinking subject) from the object you are thinking about. Since the object does not, in and of itself, possess any language with which to describe it, the mere use of language alone infuses your thoughts with your personal feelings. You look at an object and your dog looks at an object. You think "shoe;" your dog thinks "chew toy." Who is right and who is wrong? The answer to that question utterly depends on "personal feelings, interpretations and prejudices." This is not to say the shoe (or chew toy - depending on your point of view) isn't really there. An object is there. (Yoga Sutra 4.16) But it can't be thought about, i.e., interpreted, apart from thinker. There is nothing that "belongs to the object of thought" separate from the "thinking subject."

Is there something wrong with our perceptions? Usually not. The problem comes when we insist that we are objective, and believe that how we see things is how they really are. In Through the Looking Glass, Alice has the following dialogue with the Red Queen:

`Where do you come from?' said the Red Queen. `And where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers all the time.'

Alice attended to all these directions, and explained, as well as she could, that she had lost her way.

`I don't know what you mean by your way,' said the Queen: `all the ways about here belong to me!"

We are all like the Red Queen. We believe that our way is "The Way." So I will always see my daughters as angels. I'm glad I have the karmic seeds to see them this way. Just try to dissuade me!

let it flow

I am surrounded by angels. I walk my daughter to school each morning and Mr. Larry, the crossing guard, is there ushering children across the street and holding off cars as if they were fire-breathing dragons threatening his precious princes and princesses. "Come on over Samy," he calls, and Samy skips across the street, protected by an angel. I walk home and the irises in my front yard send their sweet scent to me, their iridescent purple colors gladdening my eyes. My dog bounds forward to greet me, her tail wagging; she showers me with unconditional love as if we'd been parted for eons, not just 5 minutes. (What if humans always greeted each other with this much affection?) My snowy white cat trots beside her -- a testiment to how beings from completely different species, supposedly natural antagonists, can find common ground. Later this morning, I will go to Samy's spring concert. Many little angels will lift their voices in song and their parents, all angels, will beam their love. Many of these parents have recently lost their jobs. Some are confronting selling their homes. Others are battling illnesses that their children know nothing about. There are hardships. But this morning, love will prevail. Just as a stream will erode the hardest stone, so love will overcome the hardest circumstances, if you let it flow.

making sense of the senses

to realize the true nature of reality, you must meditate with single pointed concentration and analysis. To calm the mind enough to focus single-pointedly, you must perfect your morality. How can the mind concentrate if it is wrapped up in thoughts of anger, jealousy, longing, lusting, mindless chatter, and gossip? I was reminded of this this morning, when, in the middle of my meditation, I started wondering about whether Mike had married Susan at the end of the season finale of Desperate Housewives, and whether Izzy really died at the end of the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. I could not calm my mind. No matter how much I tried to pull it back, It kept returning to Wisteria Lane and Seattle Grace.

Watching all of these TV shows is definitely a form of mindless chatter. There's no question that it detracts from my meditation practice. So now that the season's over, I'm going to stop watching TV. Just as soon as I find out who won American Idol and Dancing with the Stars...

first there was the word

This past weekend, angel teacher Jessica Kung taught a beautiful Tibetan Heart Yoga workshop at Lotus. She raised the interesting point that Eastern practitioners believed that the body was a holy machine for enlightenment. The yoga asanas were considered to be ways to move and pose your body to magically transform it into light. The practices were realized in deep meditation, and Eastern medicine developed language that reflected this magical, sacred view of the body - channels, chakras, winds, and elements. In contrast, the language Western medicine has developed for describing a living body was developed from dissecting cadavers. When we think of our bodies, we think of flesh, blood, bones, guts, muscle, etc., and not of light, energy and a vessel for realizing the divine. Jessica challenged us to change the way we view ourselves. Instead of thinking about a tight hamstring, envision winds of energy in the body. Envision finding the element of earth -- stable, grounded and supported -- in the legs as they make contact with the ground, and then sending the elements of wind and water to the back of the legs as you stretch forward.

For me, a person who is always suffering from one physical ailment or another (sore knees, tight rotator cuffs, etc.), this was earth-shattering. I was able to use my mind to transform the way I see my body, and my body responded! Lama Christie has said that the objects of meditation are like blank paintings; however your mind paints the object is how you will see it. And we can use the paintbrush of our concentration to change our ordinary view of our lives.

The use of language defines how we see our world. It is not accident that the bible says, "First there was the Word." (John 1:1) Before a baby has learned the word "pen," that object can be a dog's chew toy, a stake to support tomatoes, a sword, or any number of things that we can't imagine because our perception is limited by the word "pen." In yoga, the use of the language of Western medicine can define your practice in a way that doesn't serve the purpose of yoga. Think about the power of the language you use in all aspects of your life. Change the language; change your experience.

yes, it's all for the best

Today we went into the city for Samy's 8th birthday party. We had planned a small "extravaganza" at American Girl Place in NY. Samy got to invited 4 friends to lunch at the AG cafe; the dolls were to have hair makeovers at the AG salon, and then we'd come home for presents.

We whizzed to the Lincoln Tunnel and then things started to go wrong. Just as we were about to enter the tunnel, a car caught fire inside the tunnel, all lanes were closed, and emergency vehicles hurried in. After 1/2 hour, all was clear, thankfully no-one was hurt, the police opened up the tunnels and we started through. But then one of the cars in front of us overheated and stopped. We waited another 20 minutes -- this time inside the tunnel. Finally, we made to AG, but they had given away our table in the cafe, and the next seating wasn't for another hour and a half. The girls were cranky and hungry. Samy started thinking that her birthday was a disaster.

Two of the girls maintained positive attitudes the whole time: "Good thing it wasn't us in that car!" "At least we finally got here!" "Lots of girls never even get to come here!" Surprisingly, Samy, more than any of the other girls, saw the worst in the situation. Perhaps she was hungry, or worried about what her friends were going to think. But I wondered why some people see the bright side, while others just can't? And what are the karmic seeds we need to plant to see ourselves that way? Researchers found that people with naturally pessimistic tendencies are reassured by thinking about the worst case scenarios, whereas optimists soothe themselves by thinking, "I think I can I think I can." But what makes someone an optimist or a pessimist?

Some googling later, and surprise! Studies have found that helping others and feeling gratitude contribute to feeling happy, upbeat and optimistic. Sounds like karma, doesn't it? So here is my wish: may you always be grateful for all of your blessings; may you feel moved to help others to feel as blessed as you; and may your glass always be half full.

the still point

Manorama has a beautiful article about the OM cycle -- the beginning, middle and ending of every feeling, event, perception, etc. OM, which is really made of the letters A-U-M, represents so many things, but here it represents the circle of our existence -- the birth, life, death, re-birth, and so on. For those of us who still have a storehouse of karma, it is never-ending and can seem pointless -- like the caucus race in Alice and Wonderland, or running on a hamster's wheel. We race around and around the circle, which represents the roller-coaster-like rise and fall of our existence. We whirl from experience to experience, from ups to downs and back again. We think that how we perceive our world is how it really exists. We are constantly thrown when things change or do not last, because we keep making mistakes about how things work. At the center of the circle is stillness and emptiness. If we can just step off the circle, we can get to that place; we can see ourselves as we really are, and our world as really is. But the only way to get there is through meditation. We have to still the mind, develop a single pointed focus, so that we can see things clearly enough to step off the OM cycle.

But we can't still the mind if we hurt each other. If we violate our codes of ethics -- if we hurt other beings, or lie to ourselves or others, or gossip and cause others to be ill-thought of, or ruin other people's relationships, the mind is too embroiled in negative emotions like anger, ignorance, jealousy, clinging and grasping to ever get still. So the first step towards stillness is to embrace a spiritual path -- e.g., Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Secular Humanism, etc., -- and follow its code of ethics faithfully. And follow the code ALL THE TIME. You can't be selective. It can't be o.k. to harm one person but not o.k. to harm another. It can't be o.k. to lie sometimes. All ancient spiritual traditions embrace the same values of non-harming, non-stealing, truthfulness, etc. While great violence has been done in the name of many of these traditions, at their core, they create beautiful frameworks for peace and happiness. Follow the framework and the mind can be still. Still the mind, and see clearly. See clearly, and step off the OM cycle.

taking refuge

When I took refuge vows, I committed to "go for refuge to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, until I reach enlightenment. By the goodness of all I do, in giving and the rest, may I reach Buddhahood for the sake of every living being." The idea behind taking refuge is that when it starts to rain, we like to find a shelter. The Buddhist shelter from the rain of problems and pain of life is threefold: the Buddha, his teachings (the Dharma) and the spiritual community (the Sangha). Taking refuge means that we have some understanding about what causes all of the problems in our lives, and we have confidence that the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha (the "Three Jewels") can help us.

Having a framework for living an ethical life gives me a sense of freedom. Just as children need boundaries and limits to feel safe, flourish and thrive, so do adults need guidelines to live happy, fulfilling lives. When I am unsure of my path -- when I'm not sure how to react to a situation or have feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment, irritation, etc. -- it is liberating to have a system of "thou shalts" and "thou shalt nots" to guide me. Every authentic spiritual tradition has a code of ethics. Mine are ultimately holding onto karma (the belief that all of my actions have future consequences and my present is the consequence of my past actions), and emptiness (the realization that everything that I perceive -including myself- is changing and impermanent, and the way I perceive my world is coming from me, not at me). Because of my belief in karma and emptiness, I follow my vows as closely as I can.

I have friends who are going through a difficult divorce who have lost sight of their spiritual guidelines. Instead of turning the other cheek, or loving each other as they love themselves, they are tearing each other apart. They are thinking: "what I need," "what I want," "what's right for me," and are taking actions that hurt each other and that will have repercussions for years to come. They have forgotten the love they once had for each other. They are in denial about their respective parts in the end of their marriage. They cannot see that their perceptions are colored by their respective projections. They have forgotten that because they have children together, they will be in each other's lives forever. Both Christians, they have forgotten what Jesus said about resolving conflict: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Mathew 7:3-5. Or as the Buddha told his disciples 500 years before the Common Era, “the faults of others are easier to see than one’s own; the faults of others are easily seen, for they are sifted like chaff, but one’s own faults are hard to see. Do not look at the faults of others, or what others have done or not done; observe what you yourself have done and have not done."

It is breaking my heart to watch them hurting each other. I wonder whether I went through all of the pain from my divorce to be able to be of help to them, or whether I am witnessing the pain they are going through in order to learn lessons about my past. In any event, I only hope that I can help them find the love that's in their hearts, even as they sever their vows to each other. Because we have to turn the other cheek to everyone, not just some. We have to "do unto others as we would have done to us," to everyone, not just some. These precepts can't be applied selectively. They have to be applied infinitely and universally.

It is far more useful to be aware of a single shortcoming in ourselves than it is to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. For when the fault is our own, we are in a position to correct it. H.H.D.L.

who's your Shiva?

In Hinduism, Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva represent the three primary aspects of the divine and are collectively known as the Trimurti. In this school of religious thought, Brahma is the creator, Vishnu is the maintainer or preserver, and Shiva is the destroyer or transformer. More than the other two, Shiva is a god of ambiguity and paradox, whose attributes include opposing themes. In the Mahabharata, Shiva is depicted as "the standard of invincibility, might, and terror", as well as a figure of honor, delight, and brilliance. Shiva is responsible for change both in the form of death and destruction, as well as shedding old habits and re-birth.

In meditation today, a teaching came to me: "you must first develop a healthy sense of Self before having the direct realization that your self, as you have traditionally seen it, is empty." I thought about how I had perceived my first husband as Shiva in my life - someone who's anger felt like it would destroy me. (I want to note that this was my perception.) But because he was in my life, I figured out who I was, and how to be strong in my sense of "Self." Because he was on my path, I have a beautiful daughter, discovered yoga, and live a wonderful life where I am able to be of service to many people. Thus, he completely embodied the duality of Shiva's fearful and auspicious attributes.

As my sense of "Self" has changed, so has my understanding of my experience with him. I have come to see my part in everything that happened between us. I have come to see how my experiences were coming from me, not at me. And my memories, and feelings about what happened between us have changed. When I met with my teacher on Monday, she said that "memories are empty. They have no hard and fast self-existent nature. Therefore, they are infinitely changeable. As you change your present, you change your past." At first this was hard to comprehend, but as I have "cooked it" the past two days, I have begun to understand it. And I am grateful for all of the times that Shiva has manifested in my life to tear me down so that I can re-build and grow.

knowing that you don't know

Mariel, my older daughter, goes to college in the fall. Much as I know that she's ready, happy as I am for her to begin this next phase of life, I feel heavy-hearted and a bit lost. So much of the last 18 years have revolved around thoughts of her. My divorce from her father and my struggles to parent her in the midst of a contentious custody battle and acrimonious post-divorce relationship colored these years. During them, I discovered myself. I stopped practicing law to be able to spend more time with her. I started painting again, and developed a career as an artist, happy that it fit around her schedule. I got involved with Gas Lamp Players because she loved being in the shows. And now, she's preparing to leave.

I guess it's no wonder that I'm feeling a bit unmoored . Yesterday, I met with my teacher, who asked me "what is your calling?" She wanted to know what I feel moved to do with my life. And I realized that, "at this moment in time," I don't know. I'm not comfortable with that. She said, "you need to get comfortable with ambiguities." She's right. I have never been comfortable "not knowing." Whether in a relationship or in my work, I have always pushed for clarity and certainty. Being in a state of not knowing is uncomfortable and disconcerting. And that is what I must sit with. As Manorama said on Saturday, "knowing that you don't know is infinitely better than not knowing."

clearing the cache

I was just having a lot of trouble logging in. The log-in page kept refreshing. (Funny to think that this sentence would have made no sense to me a few years ago.) Google told me to "clear my cache" which is computer speak for "erase your browser's memory because it is too full and can't process new information." Once I "cleared the cache," the browser was able to "see anew" the log-in information and move forward.

Gerald Fischbach is a neuroscientist who has worked for much of his career on synapses, the connections between nerve cells through which information and instructions are passed during perception, thought and movement. As he explains it, "Memory is the scaffolding upon which all mental life is constructed." By relying on memory, we make sense of the present and contemplate the future via exploiting information from our past.

From a Buddhist and yogic perspective, however, we know that we are constantly seeing our world incorrectly. We view the world as coming "at us," not from us. (How often do we discover later that things were not as they appeared before?) If our mental faculty of memory is central to our sense of existence, and fundamental to our understanding of the world around us, and all of our thoughts and actions have been tainted by a mistaken view of the world, how can our experience of the here and now not be hopelessly flawed?

I thought about this last night when my ex-husband stopped by to have me sign something. Samy, so effusive in her love for everyone, kept hugging him and he was very sweet to her, and polite to me. He looked tired and fragile. I thought about how I would see him if I could clear my "cache" of memories and see him as if for the first time. This morning in meditation, I took this thought to other experiences, wondering how my memories are clouding my experiences of new moments.

In a beautiful Sanskrit workshop on Saturday, Manorama said, "memory is a prism that distorts our experience of reality." And it's true. When we are constantly carrying into the present moment memories from past experiences, we are never truly open to that present moment. This is not to say that all memories are bad. But sometimes they get in the way. Sometimes, as Lama Marut says, you need to question your "default settings." Sometimes you need to "clear the cache" and start fresh.

the generous heart

When I stood there in the Costume Shop basement, thinking that I wanted to keep things because it was so hard to let go, I could actually feel my heart constricting. Holding on to something for no reason other than you don't want someone else to have it will actually shrink your heart. I was reminded of the story How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, in which the Grinch, whose heart was "two sizes two small," steals all the Who's presents because he can't bear to see them so happy. In negotiating a business deal, this approach is called the "scorched earth" strategy, a hardball "winner take all" tactic that invariably ends up alienating the other party to the deal. I am so grateful for the teachings that I study, because I was able to remind myself, before I did any damage, that no true happiness is possible without a generous heart. As Buddhist Christina Feldman in Heart of Wisdom, Mind of Calm observes: "Generosity lies at the heart of spiritual practice. Extending generosity to ourselves and others gladdens our heart, is a direct way of healing division, and brings joy." Teachings of generosity lie at the heart of all the great spiritual traditions. To quote Lama Marut, it is not happiness that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us happy. To quote Bob Hope, "people without charity in their hearts have serious heart problems." Even in the world of business negotiations, experts have learned that a win/win strategy, where both sides advance their interests, is best. When I was feeling stingy, I was unhappy and sour. Feeling generous, I am expansive and peaceful.

"Giving brings happiness at every stage of its expression. We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous. We experience joy in the actual act of giving something. We experience joy in remembering the fact that we have given." The Buddha.

karma via ups

Lama Marut has a great saying: "Never be upset with others. They are just the UPS van delivering your own karma." I had to remind myself of this recently, when I was downstairs in the basement of the Costume Shop trying to make a list of items that Gas Lamp Players wants to keep after we sell the shop to On Cue Costumes. While I know this is the right move for Gas Lamp, sadness, resentment, misgivings and blame suddenly welled up inside of me. In moments like these, it is easy to lose your balance and, while teetering, fall back on old ways of reacting. My immediate response was to dig in, become territorial and grasp on to things I had forgotten we even had -- just because it was hard to let go. And really, the "things" I was clinging to mean nothing. They just represent a concept of what the costume shop means to me (which is different than what it means to someone else). After sleeping on this, and meditating on it this morning, I was able to "zero in" on those feelings and see how misguided they are. Zeroing in on negative feelings is like zeroing in on an itch or a foot that's fallen asleep. As soon as you zero in on it, you can't find it. Because when you try to put your mind on the itch, suddenly you can't locate it where you thought it was. It's the same with a negative feeling. If you go "into" the feeling and its apparent causes, it pops and disappears like a bubble. So what was the delivery by the karmic UPS truck? Two years ago, Gas Lamp Players took over a costume collection from the Junior League of Summit. We took everything, and Vince, the proprietor, was heartbroken to see those costumes go. He experienced the same sadness I was experiencing now. Looking back, I don't recall being all that compassionate about his loss. Well, here I am in the same situation. Hello karma delivery! This realization is helping me to be as gracious as possible. I am letting go of something that was never "mine" and that never existed as I thought it did anyway. So hopefully, I'll be able to plant new karmic seeds this time. And maybe the next time the karma UPS truck comes, it will bring something lovely!

no more monkey mind

I feel over-booked, over-committed, over-stimulated, over-caffeinated, over-loaded and overwhelmed. No wonder I feel over-tired! In addition to all I want to do, and all I have to do, and all I should do, there are the constant updates on Facebook and people following me on Twitter (how did that happen?) and emails and texts coming in and ... The Hindu Gods had many arms to be able to help infinite beings. We need many arms to keep up with our to-do lists. Yesterday, I came home with the thought of having so many things to do that I couldn't face any of them and watched Sunday night's Desperate Housewives instead. It actually felt relaxing to get lost in the trials and tribulations of the women on Wisteria Lane.

It seems to me that over-extending is the twin of laziness. It is another way of not paying close attention, not pausing, not paying attention to the moments that matter. It's a physical manifestation of the monkey mind, which, when meditating, constantly pulls you off of the object, until you've spent your sitting time mentally flitting from thing to thing, without concentrating on anything. Just as the mind toggles from thing to thing, we jump from task to task, not immersing in, completing, or fully enjoying anything. And at the end of the day, we wonder "where did the time go?" As Ellen DeGeneres says, "Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder." Listen to this clip, starting at 6.50. Ellen talks about all the things we try to do to save time, and how none of us ever feel like we have enough of it. And she ends with this classic phrase: Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast..."

So here's my pledge - I am going "off grid" for the day. I am going to sit on my cushion RIGHT NOW. And when I am done, I am going to get tough on my "to-do" list so that I have that time right here, right now, not later.

holy lama

On Saturday night, I went to a book release party for The Tibetan Book of Meditation, authored by Lama Christie McNally. The book is beautiful, and the evening was so inspiring. Lama Christie and Geshe Michael entered through a row of people all offering flowers and fruit. Despite the number of people greeting them, these two wonderful teachers took the time to stop and acknowledge each person, genuinely greeting and smiling at each individual. We tend to think of high, holy teachers as distant from us -- somewhat unapproachable and superior. But perhaps inspired by the twinkling eyes, warm smile and humble demeanor of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, in whose lineage they teach, our teachers are sweet, kind, loving and warm. Their main teaching is that kindness and compassion towards others is what brings happiness -- and they live this message.

Lama Christie led a brief emptiness meditation before talking about her book. One of the phrases she used was that we paint the picture of our reality like a painter paints a landscape. No two painters will see the same scene in the same way. In fact, the same painter can see the scene completely differently at a different time (think of all of Monet's paintings of water lilies). And we jump into our lives as if jumping into a painting. This reminded me of the movie "Mary Poppins" -- when Mary, Bert, Jane & Michael jump into Bert's chalk drawing and sing "It's a Jolly Holiday with Mary." What a lovely thought. If you don't like something in your reality, paint a different picture and then jump in.

love for everyone

yesterday, our friend Harvey got married. Harvey is an incredibly fit, good-looking guy who turned 60 recently. He had been the most eligible bachelor in our circle for a long, long time. Three years ago, he met a smart, funny, athletic, elegant woman who captivated his heart. Her 21 year old son walked her down the aisle. Harvey was accompanied by his 92 year old mother, spry and so happy that her solo son was at last betrothed. It was a beautiful night, and a sweet reminder that there is love around for everyone.

leaps of faith

The self-help books warn that when your child takes one step forward, she often takes two steps back. Acceleration in one area is often paired with regression in another. So it seems to be with spiritual development. After days of feeling like I am one with all of creation, I have a moment of confrontation and lapse into an old pattern of behavior that sends me backwards on my path. And in that moment, all I have learned seems to evaporate. And the questions arise. Have I really progressed at all? Have I been pretending to be someone I'm not? What does it matter anyway? And my efforts to hold onto karma and emptiness seem feeble and useless. What now?

First, get still. Why is it hardest to meditate when it is most essential? The most important thing to do when you lose your balance is to find some stillness. Find the breath. Being thrown off balance is akin to losing firm ground. If you're wavering and wobbling, all of your energy is going downward -- digging in. So get grounded. It's impossible to elevate if you're not grounded.

Second, zone in on the feeling that prompted the reaction. Go through some of the flavors of emptiness. Consider: 1. This feeling is a changing thing. It will not last. 2. I can't control the fact that feelings arise; I can only control how I act because of them. 3. I had this feeling (as opposed to some other feeling I could have easily have had in relation to the same event), because I have provoked this feeling in the past. At some point, I planted the karmic seed that gave rise to this feeling. 4. There is more than one way to view this interaction. And how I feel about it depends on the label I give it. Changing the label can change the experience.

Third: Take care of other people. On Saturday, I brought Mariel in to Penn Station to take the train to Baltimore to visit a friend at Johns Hopkins for the weekend. When she went down the escalator to the train -- I had such a feeling of sadness. This was her first big trip alone, and seemed to foreshadow the fact that she is leaving for college in August. The feeling of loss and of change -- even though I know she's ready and it's time -- felt overwhelming. So I sat down. I wished her well on her journey -- may she be safe, may she be happy, may she be well. I thought about all the other parents who are experiencing their child leaving for college for the first time, and the fact that this feeling is shared by us all. I then looked around me and one by one, sent a prayer to every person bustling through the station: May you get to where you're going safely; may you be happy; may you be well. Just stopping to remember that everyone around you is striving to be happy and safe and is wishing for the happiness and safety of their loved ones is so reassuring.

Sometimes our faith gets shaken. But really, it is the only mode of transportation to happiness. I think that's why it's called "a leap of faith." Because when you fall off, you just have to leap back on board. There's a book I used to read to Mariel -- We're Going on a Bear Hunt, about a group of kids who go off looking for a bear and face all sorts of obstacles like mud, tall grass, a dark forest, etc., along the way. The book has a soothing repetition to it as the kids meet each obstacle -- "oh no! MUD! Sticky, gooey mud. We can't go over it. We can't go under it. We've got to go through it!" And that's how it is. We have to use every single event in our lives to find a way through. As my teacher Manorama says: It's not whether you hit the wall, it's how you climb over it. Going one step at a time, you can cross many mountains."

when the world was flat

For thousands of years, people were convinced that the world was flat. For thousands of years, some people were convinced that people of darker skin were inferior. And now it appears that for years, many in our government were convinced that torture was acceptable. It is important to remember that at any given time, we can be caught up in a terribly mistaken view of reality, even while believing that we are being objective and rational. And this view can cause terrible pain to others and to ourselves.

Recently, I had a strong belief about the right course for an organization I work with. This view brought me into conflict with people I care deeply about, and the conflict caused pain to them and to me. At its core, the conflict was because I was viewing the organization and the people involved as being on the "outside", i.e., a multitude of separate objects and events distinct from "me." When I looked at the situation without putting "it" outside of "me," i.e., from the perspective of what would bring the most happiness to all concerned, and not from the perspective of who was right about the course of action to take, my investment in my plan of action dissolved. It seemed far less important than a course of action that brought peace and harmony to our organization. Where there is unhappiness in your life, question the view it is based on. Remember, for centuries people thought the world was flat.

holding onto that one pure thought

Master Patanjali tells us that there are 5 paths that lead to enlightenment. One path leads to the next, and the way we progress is through meditation. It is only by cultivating the ability to focus the mind on a single object and stay there with analysis that we can quiet and re-direct the mind to understand how our world really works. Then, using the four infinite thoughts of love, compassion, joy and equanimity, we open our hearts and maintain our peace of mind. This is a gross simplification, however I state it to set up my experience this morning. While meditating, I focused my mind on a person with whom I have been having conflict. I saw him clearly. Although initially I thought about the difficulties we've been having, I then recalled all the things I love about him, and all the valuable things I have learned from knowing him. I reminded myself that he has no self existent, set in stone qualities. And my feelings have no self-existent, set in stone qualities. My feelings about him change. And what I sometimes label as difficult qualities could just as easily be labeled thorough, careful, or cautious. My feelings and the labels are coming from me. My experience is not coming at me -- it is coming from me. I then applied the four infinite thoughts toward him, and toward myself when I'm feeling distressed about him. And as I was doing this, the feelings and labels just dissolved. I saw him as an angel and holy teacher, emenating not from outside of me, but from me. And I realized that when I direct the four infinite thoughts to something that feels like it is coming from outside of me, I am ultimately directing them towards myself because my whole experience of the world is coming from me. And when I realized this, my heart burst open with love, like a flower blooming in fast forward. What a wonderful feeling. I have felt in love with everyone and everything all day. Now, if I can just hold on to this beautiful pure thought...

surprise teachings

Last week from 6-10 PM, I spent every night in an amazing class on Book One of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. The Yoga Sutras are divided into Four Books, or Chapters, and the first book, the Chapter on Meditation, contains the classical definition of Yoga, the ways our minds create obstacles, and the five stages of spiritual life. Teaching the course were the amazing Jessica Kung and Stephane Dryfus, of the Yoga Studies Institute. On the third night of class, Samy, my 7 year old, came for the first 2 hours because of a child-care snafu. She was very good, despite having to sit quietly for a 20 minute meditation and one hour and 40 minute teaching. She did her homework, played with her doll, and drew quietly. The next morning, we had our usual hectic routine of trying to find her shoes, packing her homework in her backpack, and running late as we hurried to get to school on time. In the mornings, Samy seems to take forever to get from point A to point B -- singing songs, creating dance moves, and doing everything except focusing on getting out of the door. Every morning is a tug of war, and that morning, I got so frustrated, and said something like, "I can't stand it -- every morning it's the same thing. You never know where your things are, and we're always late. I'm sick of this." Samy stopped, and looked at me, hand on her hip, hip jutted out, and said: "I don't think you listened to a thing those teachers were saying last night. Because if you did, you wouldn't yell at me because you'd realize that your feelings are coming from you, not from me." I was floored. She had been listening! And she was right. Yes, it's her responsibility to put her shoes in the right place. But my irritation, aggravation, frustration are coming from me. She does not cause them. How do I know this? Because not every single parent would react the same way (although I think I have good company!). Because my frustration flows in part from the belief that I am entitled to sit and read the morning paper instead of having to spend time getting Samy ready. Because I don't like having to get her ready. Because some parents might direct their children to lay things out the night before and I don't take the time to do that. Because some parents might just let their kids be late and not care. But the point is that the teaching was hammered home from my 7 year old! So be on the look out for teachings. You never know who is going to give them to you!

Sanskrit lessons

I haven't posted in over a week because I have been immersed in teacher trainings for over 10 days. The first was an amazing workshop on Sanskrit with the inspiring Manorama. Sanskrit is the language of yoga, and one of the original languages. It is at the root of most Indo-European language, and is said to be the manifested vibration of awareness. Its sounds are said to come from the energy channels in the body, and just repeating the sounds has a profound effect on consciousness and awareness. Because sound rides on the breath, the conscious use of sound is the conscious use of breath -- our life force. The alphabet is beautiful -- each of the 42 letters is like a work of art and is said to represent the 42 steps on the path to enlightenment. There are precise rules for how to write each letter -- the direction of the pen, the flow. There are precise rules for where each letter is placed in the mouth -- palatial, dental, labial, cerebral. There are precise rules for how consonants are combined with other consonants and vowels. Learning Sanskrit requires intense concentration and focus, and thus becomes a meditation in and of itself. And it can be daunting. Among the many things I took away from this workshop is the realization that every single thing we do can become an entry point to something greater. Even focusing on where the tongue is placed on the palate can be a portal that reveals something profound and self-changing. Whether we stick with something challenging and difficult can reveal great truths -- how do we engage the energy of our lives? What do we do when something is hard and we don't "get it" right away? Do we try to go through it, or go away from it? Yoga asks us to pay close attention to that which we often don't notice at all. How do we react when realizing there are an infinite number of things to learn? Do we shut down because it it overwhelming? Or are we energized with excitement to jump in? Just noticing where your mind goes when you confront something new or difficult can change your life.

love all as you love yourself

What Judaism meant to me growing up was contained in the Passover Seder. The sentences, read in unison around the table, summed up my understanding of what it meant to be Jewish:

"Today, wherever oppression remains, Jews taste its bitterness. We remember, it is we who were slaves, we who were strangers. And therefore, we remind ourselves, you shall not oppress another, for you know the feelings of the oppressed, having yourselves been slaves in the land of Egypt."

These words meant that I could not view myself as separate and apart from someone or a group of people who were suffering. It meant that I had to stop and help someone in need, just as I would have wanted someone to help my ancestors. It meant that I could never stand idly by. It was the bedrock of my upbringing, from the stories of my dad's experiences as a volunteer in the south in the 1960s doing legal work for voter registration drives, to taking in strays, to my mother's pioneering work in the 1970s and 80s to help low income children be diagnosed and receive assistance for dyslexia, the same way that middle and upper income children were.

At Passover, Jews are reminded of the story of our ancestors' flight to freedom and the hardships they endured. In Christianity, the parable of the Good Samaritan, often re-enacted this time of year, speaks to our prejudices and hard hearts toward suffering. It is good to be reminded of these stories. Face it -- who hasn't sometimes felt "better him than me," or "she got what she deserved," or "not in my backyard." We have all closed or averted our eyes from the unpleasant, thinking that we won't be touched. But the Passover and Good Samaritan stories teach us to love all people, not just those in our small circles or who are like us. We are so blessed; most of us have ample leisure time, relative prosperity, and safety to pursue our lives. Please make the most of this privileged life by feeling gratitude and working to relieve the suffering of others.

love your obstacles

I think Eve ate the apple because she was bored out of her mind. Living in a perfect world doesn't mean that there are never disagreements or obstacles. It means that we meet them with grace, compassion, patience and kindness. When things don't go our way, people disagree with us, or we can't get what we want, we often blame those things for our unhappiness or discontent. But the real cause is how we relate to these experiences. As Master Patanjali says in the Yoga Sutras, 2.3: "Ignorance, egoism, attachment, aversion, and clinging to bodily life" are the cause of our problems. What would life be without hurdles to jump over, personalities and differences of opinion to negotiate and tolerate, or setbacks to make us stronger? Dull. Meet your obstacles with an open heart and mind. Look to what they teach you. Be inspired and intrigued, and keep growing.

topics for meditation

The most frequent meditation question is "what do I think about while I'm sitting?" One of the most useful practices to start with (after finding a comfortable seat and committing to staying ABSOLUTELY STILL, observing the breath for a few minutes to bring your mind to the present, and thinking about someone who needs your help and deciding that you will meditate for him or her), is to focus on the sensations in your body. If you have an itch, or your foot is falling asleep, DON'T MOVE.! Instead of trying to make the sensation go away -- either by moving the body or trying not to focus on the sensation -- go to the sensation and into it. Try to find the precise place where you are feeling the sensation. Try to break the sensation down as if you are in a lab doing a dissection. Is it just one sensation, or is it made up of many nano-seconds of sensation that your mind adds up and then labels as "itch," or "asleep?" No-one ever died or had a limb amputated because it fell asleep or itched. So just sit with it and explore it. Chances are, once you really examine it, it will either go away, or seem very different to you than when you first felt and labeled it. If the urge to move or scratch is overwhelming, examine it -- don't succumb to it. Break the emotional feeling or thought down the same way you break down a sensation. Ask yourself, is that feeling or sensation one independently existing, monolithic, thing separate from how I perceive it? This is how it appears to the mind. Use your body, your thoughts and sensations, vehicles for your mind to determine whether this is really so.

Why? Because you will begin to see that things that appear to exist outside of and separate from you are really coming from you. And the way you perceive your world will begin to change.

the body is a losing proposition

Our bodies are not perfectible. Face it. No matter how much we exercise, moisturize, hydrate, and diet, eventually we will sag, wrinkle, and decay. I say this not to be morbid, but as a plain truth. The body is just a losing proposition. All it is ultimately useful for is as a vehicle. And the place to go with it is to enlightenment -- ultimate happiness -- nirvana -- heaven on earth -- whatever you want to call it. How? First - reinvest the sacred into your world. Treat EVERYTHING as sacred. Eat and exercise not for your vanity, but so that your body can support your spiritual development -- so that you can be a being who helps others. View every interaction, every experience, as a lesson to help you realize the true nature of reality. The person who cuts you off in traffic is teaching you patience and compassion. Losses are lessons in impermanence. Etc. Second, meditate EVERY DAY! 10 minutes a day is better than 30 minutes once in a while. Meditation is the only way you are going to be able to look at and dissect the obstacles you have that get in the way of your own happiness. And you need to figure this out right away, because you can't show people the way out of a burning building if you haven't found the exit. Third, examine your thoughts and actions all the time, every day. Stop gossiping and talking ill of people. As the Buddha said, to be aware of a single shortcoming in yourself is more useful than being aware of 1000 in someone else. Be scrupulously truthful and honest. Whenever you want something in your life - make sure someone else gets it first. If you don't want something in your life, help other people eliminate it from theirs.

This list is by no means comprehensive, but it's a start. Being tight bodied, wrinkle free, wealthy, successful are EMPTY of happiness in and of themselves. They are not guarantees of joy. Only your mind can bring that to you.

just sit already

There is no excuse for not meditating. Not one. That may seem harsh but it's the truth. I have at one time or another used and believed every single excuse that you can think of, and not one holds up. When I first started, I didn't even seek to meditate. My therapist's instructions were just to sit quietly in a chair alone in a room for 2 - 5 minutes. I couldn't do it. Not even for 60 seconds! There was laundry to do, a dishwasher to unload, an email to write. And I hated to be alone. Later, when I had developed the capacity to be still, with only myself ... alone ... I couldn't find the time for a regular practice. I was too tired, or too wired. The animals needed feeding or walking or the cat litter needed scooping. I had to work; I had to nap. I had to do anything but meditate.

Why is it so hard? For me, it was because sitting still and quietly meant I had to feel my life. And when I started, the feelings weren't always so good. I was in the middle of an ugly, contested divorce. I had stopped practicing law and was trying to make a new career as an artist. I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in my house or raise my baby; I felt like my whole identity and everything I had planned was thrown into the wind. I didn't want to be "in the moment." The "moment" sucked.

But sitting still, and feeling my life, though initially so painful, saved my life. Just sitting and being, slowing down and stopping, observing and letting go, helped me to see what had gotten me to the present moment, and helped me to be open to the future. Now, it is the most important part of my day. And that's the key. You have to make it your priority. Just like you don't go a day without brushing your teeth or eating a meal, you have to decide that this is an absolutely essential daily practice. And you have the time. I finally realized that if I had the time to keep up with American Idol (isn't Adam amazing?), Grey's Anatomy (do you think Izzie will die?) and the Office (is Michael really going to start his own paper company?), I had time to meditate. So if you have the time to read this blog, or check in on Facebook, you have time to meditate! And taking a quiet walk, or gardening, or exercising, doesn't count. Sorry. You have to sit quietly WITH ONLY YOURSELF. And if that's difficult or painful, spend the time examining your feelings of difficulty or pain. Just do it!

Try these guided meditations with Lama Marut and Kelly Morris.

do no harm

Yoga is so much more than the physical practice most practitioners do. It is an eight-fold path, of which asana -- the postures -- are third after the ethical codes of conduct. Ahimsa is the first of five yamas, or restraints, in the eight-fold path of yoga. The yamas are meant as restraints regarding our actions and interactions with the world around us. Ahimsa is translated as “non-violence,” “non-injury,” or “non-harming,” and is widely considered to be the foundation of the yogic path.

"Do no harm," is harder than it sounds. It goes beyond "thou shalt not kill," to include harming in our speech, through inaction, and through carelessness. The vow of Ahimsa is broken by showing contempt towards another, by entertaining dislike for or prejudice towards anybody, by hating or speaking ill of others, by backbiting or vilifying, by harboring thoughts of hatred, or by telling lies about others. It is virtually impossible to practice perfectly by anyone one living in the "real world." We all unwittingly kill countless creatures while walking, sitting, eating, breathing, sleeping and drinking. And we all unwittingly hurt other people's feelings, even with the best of intentions. But we have to keep trying to help, not harm. To keep learning from our mistakes, and doing the best we can with the best intentions we have. Doing nothing is not an option.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
(So Shines a Good Deed in a Naughty World)

by Franklin P. Adams

There was a man in our town who had King Midas’ touch;
He gave away his millions to the colleges and such;
And people cried: “The hypocrite! He ought to understand
The ones who really need him are the children of this land!”

When Andrew Croesus built a home for children who were sick,
The people said they rather thought he did it as a trick,
And writers said: “He thinks about the drooping girls and boys,
But what about conditions with the men whom he employs?”

There was a man in our town who said that he would share
His profits with his laborers, for that was only fair,
And people said: “Oh, isn’t he the shrewd and foxy gent?
It cost him next to nothing for that free advértisement!”

There was a man in our town who had the perfect plan
To do away with poverty and other ills of man,
But he feared the public jeering, and the folks who would defame him,
So he never told the plan he had, and I can hardly blame him.

a beautiful quote

From today's Modern Love column in the New York Times, by Margaret Gunther:

It doesn't seem fair that we can look back and connect the dots in life, and see what led from that to this, but we cannot look forward and anticipate in any way what constellation today's dots will form in the vast space ahead of us. I guess it's just best to assume that heaven is right here, right now, and let the stars fall where they may.

who's fault is it anyway?

We all have people in our lives who judge us, or see bad motivations or intent in our actions. I have had people hold me in the highest regard and then feel deeply disappointed when I don't meet their expectations. It is so easy to internalize their expectations and disappointment; to waver between striving, feeling good, and then plummeting into self-doubt and low self-esteem, or to feel angry at them for making me feel this way. I have to remind myself that if I careen through all these emotions during occasional encounters with such a person, imagine what it must feel like to be that person. Because people who are hard on others -- who default to feeling let-down, deceived, misled, disappointed -- are hard on themselves all the time. Chances are they are always efforting -- trying their hardest, never relaxing, and always feeling like they are not good enough. Whatever suffering I'm experiencing by occasionally feeling their expectations and disappointment is nothing compared to what they are inflicting on themselves.

It's hard to see it this way, especially when I feel hurt and wrongly thought of. But the "me" that feels wounded and misunderstood only exists in my mind. And the "me" that disappointed only exists in the other person's mind. There is no objective "me." If I can hold onto the emptiness of this, and just always try to be my highest self, I can have love and compassion rather than wanting to get as far away as I can.

waves

There's nothing like a walk to stimulate, elucidate and placate (Walt Frazier, do you read me?) the restless mind. Watching my dog play in the dog park -- sniffing and greeting dogs she plays with daily as if she's meeting them for the first time -- made me wonder what it is about human consciousness that makes our mind so restless in the present moment, but so comfortable bathing in the past and dreaming of the future? The moment we feel any happiness or discomfort in "what is," we're off and running after "what could be" or "what was." Why are we made this way?

I think it is no accident that I am reconnecting with people from long ago at the same time that something I've been involved in for many years is unraveling. In law school, you learn about the principle of "proximate cause." The law recognizes that there is not one distinct cause of an accident or injury, but a chain of events giving rise to it. However, for purposes of assessing liability, you look for the proximate, or most direct cause of the event. Our lives are a long chain of proximate causes. Upon reflection, I can see that the events that lead to and flowed from the break-up of my first marriage were proximate causes of the relationships that followed, including my marriage to my second husband. There is no event in my life distinct from the events that preceded it. The events in our lives are like waves in the ocean -- ebbing and flowing, but always born from and resolving back to a bigger body of water. Sometimes the connections only become apparent in hindsight, but no doubt they are there. To relate back to yesterday's post, all we can do is remain open and present to "what next?"

A poem I wrote in primary school:

WAVES
lapping gently upon the sand
never bothering to go far out on the land
sea-glass, driftwood, and shells you bring in
never bothering to see what is there
just quietly, endlessly lapping
never stopping.